Redeem

I know exactly what I did and why it didnt work. You cant just ignore hurt or sin until it goes away, because it never will with that mindset. It might be hiding away in the back closet that you kept it in, but while you arent paying attention it will be eating through the floor and the wires and its spores will be slowly steeping into the air ventilation system, and before you know it, it has slowly taken over and destroyed more than you even know.

And I did that for a little while. Until I went to open the closet where I kept it hidden and realized that the mold had spread into other areas and now I had to deal with ten times more than I originally thought. Bitterness is a dirty little root.

Recently my pastor had me reading a book called "When People are Big and God is Small." In Gods sovereign timing and grace, this book surprisingly spoke directly into the issues that I was facing. Specifically, one of the last examples hit really close to home, when a counselour is talking with a 27yrold woman who has complaints that her needs arent being met and she wont be better until people start fulfilling her and loving her, and he asks her 3 questions: 1. "What do you need" 2. "who or what controls you" and 3. "where do you put your trust." They are questions basically designed to help this woman see what she is giving the most weight to in her life and pointing her to the statement that "we tend to be controlled by the things we think we need." Ugh. She has her hope in the wrong thing. This book makes it easy for me to see some of my problems stem from a ridiculous fear of man and a terribly lacking fear of God.

Alot of people dont correctly understand fear of man/fear of God stuff... And its more than "being afraid" so to speak.. Its about who or what motivates you, controls you, where do you put your hope, how do you decide things, what controls your thought life. For example, purely example, if I had hard feelings toward someone and I COULD NOT get over them, and thoughts of this person consumed my mind, I shunned and avoided this person even if it destroyed unity in the church, thoughts of how they hurt me consumed my day, spent alot of time with a victim mentality, blah blah, thats a (freakishly) unhealthy fear of man. But, someone who has a healthy fear of God would realize that God is bigger than our pain, that He can redeem all of the hurt and make something beautiful out of it, and that we need to persevere and strive to surrender our pain, longings, issues to God no matter how hard it seems to be.

I was also listening to a sermon last night about forgiveness, and learned that my actions regarding "forgive men when they have wronged you & your heavenly Father will also forgive you" (mt6:14) is directly related to how I grasp the gospel. I think that in my case, I am being hurt by certain people way too easily because of my disproportionate fear of man, and I need to strive to forgive them eagerly because Christ forgave me, and simultaneously strive to make God numero uno.

God is redeeming my brokenness and making something beautiful with it. He is teaching me, the hard way albiet, but thats usually how I learn best, alot about forgiveness and dealing with hurt and sin- dead on -straight up- right away, not letting it linger and poison the rest of the water. He is also teaching me about his love and his plan, and how incredible and perfect it is. I dont know what I need. He does.

Im a little vague, and possibly unhelpful. But Ive said what I need to say.
I challenge you to ask yourself those threee questions and see what you come up with. Whom or what do you fear?

re: Bitterness pt 2

I'm ok you know. My life still goes on as I deal with this stupid problem. Looking at it from a wide angle view, it all seems so ridiculous and unworthy of my stress. I know and earnestly hope that in one year there will be no remnant of this balderdash. Also in eternity, we will just be loving siblings, worshiping our Creator with no hindrances.

My friend Isaiah is a funny guy. He told me that he too is trying to oust a root of bitterness in his life, or as he says "been putting weed killer on it, good stuff that Bible is." Hes a funny guy, and always really encouraging, always directing my attention past myself to the Creator.

Im trying to kill this junk off by just being stronger. Well.. technically I am weak, and when I am weak, He is strong, so I am just being more reliant on God. That sounded confusing. Another helpful thing is working on having more self control and boundaries when it comes to this situation. There are just times when I need to rely on others, or my self, or God, and not on this person. Focusing on other relationships is helpful, and just working on being more encouraging to others is awesome.

Its still hard though and sometimes I just have so many questions that arent getting answers because others feel like Ive beat this situation to death and it should be easy to figure out. Not so much.

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear
The yoke in his youth.

Lamentations 3:21-27

Oh Alissa..

Im a silly girl sometimes. Actually.. Im absolutely ridiculous. This post is a little more close to home that usual.. but I think you can handle it. Tonight I was walking home thinking about Person X "they didnt do this, they didnt say that, I thought we were friends again, why did they look at me like that, why am I so short with them, maybe I should just not care anymore, confusion, confusion, annoyance, dissapointment, blah blah blah."

So recently I was reading a friends blog and it was a little post on bitterness. I was mainly reading it just to read it.. see what they had to say.. blah blah. There were some questions asked in the post about how to know if you are bitter or not. I went through them, one by one, and by the end, I felt a sharp pain in my heart. Dang Alissa... you are freakin' bitter!!

Am I short with certain people? Is there someone that you just cant stand to be around? Do you feel dissapointed or in anguish often? Do you feel like God has let you down?

Not specifically all of those.. but yeah. Tonight I came home feeling extremely disappointed. Feeling like, "God what the heck is going on?" This isnt what you promised me. And Im not even the one that got myself into that relationship or situation... I was brought into it by someone who just didnt know what they wanted and wrecked my heart. Why am I the only funtional one in this friendship. Clearly that other person is a five year old and I am the adult here. And clearly they just keep hurting me, no matter how many times I try to make it work. I think its not practical to stay in contact with this person. I know I see them often, but I can just ignore them. The church doesnt need this relationship to work.. because its just not working.

Cue five year old whining. Seriously Alissa? How prideful and foolish. Clearly God is bigger than this pitiful issue that is in your OWN heart. And all those thoughts are pretty much lies. Someone cant just come in and wreck your heart. Sure they can definitely make moves to do so, purposeful or not, but if your heart is being protected and its in the right place, then it wouldnt have even happened like it did. And God is sovereign. How dare you get angry and think things could have been better. For goodness sake you dont know whats good for yourself!

Hebrews makes it BLUNTLY clear:

Hebrews 12:15 (New International Version)
See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Yeah exacly. Bitterness causes disunity. It also means that someone is missing out on the grace of God (me). Also.. someone who is bitter.. aka a bitter root, is noooo good. Its like a five year old going and sucking on wasabi. They are going to throw up and cry alot. You wont be good for the church.. or for any relationships for that matter.. you will just make people throw up and cry alot. Goodness gracious. This is not ok.

I need to get rid of this bitterness asap. My friends article implies that bitterness is less about you and that other person and more about you and God. Its about asking God for forgiveness, as well as letting go and letting God. Letting Him back in control of our lives, giving him power over our anger, not hoarding it to ourselves in a deep cavern in our hearts, perfect place for bacteria to grow btw.

Also, I researched some sermons and other verses on bitterness, (Battling the Unbelief of Bitterness by John Piper specifically).. here is a little tidbit.

Anger is very dangerous. If it takes root in your heart and becomes a grudge or an unforgiving spirit, it can destroy you. That's the point of Jesus' parable in Matthew 18 about the unforgiving servant: after having his massive debt cancelled by the king, he refuses to cancel the tiny debt of his friend. And so the king throws him into jail for his heartlessness. Jesus closes the parable with this warning in verse 35: "So also will my heavenly Father do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

Man oh man. I dont want to be destroyed with this. I need freedom from it. I need forgiveness, and I need to forgive. So I know this was a really awkward and long blog post, just keep me in your prayers. Pray that I fight sin, that I accept my forgiveness, that I forgive, that others are patient with me, and that this doesnt grow into anything deeper or darker than it already is. It needs to be shot, put in the past. God is a redeemer and will persevere me until the end. I know it for a fact.