The Providence of this Grief

Let me “quickly” share an observation on the wonderful intentionality of God's plan. While I would rather not speculate, I believe this is a valid observation. As some of you may or may not know, this past fall I was briefly dating a very nice guy. Most of the details are not very important at the moment, except what I’m about to share. God is sovereign, He knows all things, and He knows what is good and helpful for us. Close to the time we started dating, he had recently lost someone very close to him and was going through an intense season of grieving, praying, hoping, and trusting in God.

The topic of death had never quite arose in my life, and therefore I was pretty clueless. Well, being the supportive friend that I try to be, I spent a lot of time researching grief, death, mourning, how we cope, and how we glorify God through the process. Literally pouring over books, blogs, articles, the Bible, all so that I could care well and be a godly encouragement to him.  Many of our conversations were a process of honestly talking through what it meant to trust in God despite this heart breaking situation. I really respected his openness with me and I truly was blown away at how he desired even more so to remain faithful to Christ. We talked, thought, cried, (and sometimes laughed) through some of the crazy responses from the people around him who were also dealing with the situation, how people approached him or avoided him, the ridiculous claims people made about the afterlife, and the painful exasperation of hurting people. We also talked about what he was thinking, feeling, and wondering. As much as I was trying to just be helpful and supportive- I was learning even more- theologically, personally, and relationally.

During this brief relationship (we have long since parted ways due to some significant theological and life differences), my heart was broken (not by him) in a good way. If you know me, I might have been considered slightly "icey" in the past, and I'm sure that those tendencies remain, but God used this situation and this relationship to soften my heart, teach me a lot about compassion, and help me see that grieving is ok.

I have probably cried more in the past year than in the past 20 years of my life. 


Not that crying is some sort of pedestal landmark, but for me it is a real advancement to show emotion in such a visible way. It is a healthy and biblical thing in fact. The Bible, in Romans 12:15, literally says "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." When we are able to share the emotions of others, we offer a means of comfort and showing that we care. 

 

Last fall, I was also in a psychology course where we discussed the stages of grief and how people handle it. We learned that everyone deals with things differently, but that there are also common themes. These are called the Kubler-Ross model and include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross made it important to note that not everyone will work through these stages in a linear fashion, and that in fact, some might skip some of them totally. I've skipped a few of them totally and spent more time in some as opposed to others.

Isn't all of this so ironic? No.... Isn't it intentional? It's providential! Little did I know that less than 3 months later (exactly six months ago), my dad would unexpectedly die, surrounded by unfulfilled hope, pain, hurt, confusion, and unforgiveness.

Had I been newly confronted with the idea of grief and suffering at that point, I would have been practically incapable of wading through the mire, but God spent all fall preparing me for what was to come. I am sure that without this “training,” there would have been some sort of horrible faith and life crisis happening with me. But I was literally schooled on death so that when it ripped it’s way into my life, I would know how to handle it and how to biblically think through it.

Don’t get me wrong, there is no breezing through this situation. It continues to be difficult. It was heart breaking to lose my father. I didn’t think I was prepared. Guess what though, my dad dying is not some sort of "plan B" situation that caught God off guard. I know that God cares for me. I know that I must trust in Him, and that He does what is best. Through this situation, I have also learned so much more about how God is my perfect father.

 People told me that I should be cheerful that my dad is gone, that I should not be sad, he is in a better place perhaps! They said the same kinds of things to my friend, and we had conversations discussing that that isn’t necessarily the truth. Yes, for some there is peace in knowing that there is an after life. But death is not natural. It is a result of the fall of man into sin, it is a perversion of life and creation.


It is okay to mourn this unnatural situation, and realize that this is not how things are supposed to be.

We must realize that while we were all trapped in this unnatural sinful rebellion- God sent his son on a rescue mission to save us. He took the punishment that we deserve for this rebellion, and conquered sin and death so that we might live in freedom, freely relating to God as our father. Death is not the end.

We can make two choices in our life that will direct where we go after we die on earth. We can turn from our sin and place our faith in God, and we spend eternity with Him and his goodness. Or if someone rejects God, they spend eternity in a place that equals out to everything "not good," in fact, horrific pain and evil. This is justice. A crime against an infinite God demands infinite punishment. In his love he provided his son to take our place in the court room, and if we reject this love- we get the just punishment. Friends, accept God’s lavish love. I wish I knew if my dad had.

 I can ask "why did God let my father die," until the cows come home.  But the answer is really: God, why have you allowed rebellious human beings who are born despising you, to live so long? Because of our sin, we deserve death. God is gracious. He gives us the chance for life. He knows what is good for us, and what will cause us to grow. He knows what will bring Himself glory. In His sovereignty, God was gracious to order my life in a way that persevered me in glorifying Himself. 

Next time you go through a situation and you think "what was the point of that (relationship, situation, hurt, class, etc)?" Just think, a short relationship that taught me about grief, it was God's wonderful gracious providence. I am thankful.

Thoughts on Grief: Don't Do That To Me

 I thought this excerpt very helpful out of a very helpful article by Robyn Huck, Grief Diary 4: "Meltdown in the Produce Aisle."  She is talking about an "artichoke meltdown."  I've had one of those before, maybe not with artichokes, but more like a "car oil meltdown." haha.

If I were to come to you for counsel, what would you do? Are you going to pull out a book on “stages” of grief and tell me that I’m fitting some standard pattern and will “get over” it in 1 to 4 years? Or will you be concerned that I’ve seemed to skip a step or two? Please don’t do that to me. 

Instead, explore the specifics of my sorrow, my fear, and my longing—with me. Let this be a time of growth and enrichment. Because you, dear Christian, have the very best answers to these feelings that anyone can give. But you will also know not to rush to answers. First, you weep with those who weep. I am vulnerable right now, and I am sharing very deep things with you. Don’t rush. 

There are big fat categories of typical responses to grief that my experience does fit into. But if you counsel me in generalities, checking off boxes on a prefab list, you’re not going to be a lot of help to me. Certainly, I do want to hear that I’m not crazy, and I might need to be reminded that everyone experiences grief in their lives, but I don’t want to be lost in check-lists or categories. Treat me as an individual, because I’m hurting and feeling very alone. Generalities will make me lonelier. 

But once you know me well, telling me how I personally fit into the bigger picture of life is not speaking generalities. It’s helping me make sense of what I’m feeling.

The plain fact is, living in this world hurts. And as Ecclesiastes teaches, it makes no sense without the knowledge of God to anchor our experience into his plan. We need to see each enjoyable moment, each glimpse of beauty, each smile, each sunrise as a gift from Him.

Check out the whole article though. It's worth it.

"How to Help Your Grieving Friend"

Molly Piper is a sweet blogger. She is encouraging, honest, and I always glean something from her insights. She has the most adorable kids who do silly things. Anyways, she lost her daughter as a stillborn and after reflecting on everything, wrote a very helpful little series about grieving that I have enjoyed, and thought I would share.

Posts in this series:

• Just Know That She’s Exhausted
• She’s a Scatterbrain
• There Is No Timetable
• She May Explode (But Probably Not)
• She Can’t Grieve on Command
• Ask Her Specific Questions
• Avoid the Flippant Comfort of Hallmark Answers
• Always on My Mind
• 10 Tips for Bringing Meals to a Grieving Friend
• Cleaning Her House Is Next to Godliness

Though I obviously have not lost a child, grieving has some similar tendencies, and I definitely relate to her posts. It was a blessing to have people bring over food. It is great when people ask me specific questions. I wish someone would clean my house. Dont tell me that my dad "lives as my guardian angel in my heart." And I'm both scatterbrained and exhausted (though not as much any more), and hope no one feels offended if I have forgotten to call or do something with them. 

My sister reminded me that is has been a month since my dad died. I cant even believe it at all, because the  whole thing feels like it could have happened yesterday. Wow.

God has been my comforter, provider, and father in ways I never would have imagined, and while I am trying to "take joy in my trials," I am definitely not enjoying it at all. 

Anyways. I am so thankful for the people who have dug down in and asked those awkward questions to see how I am since I'm not especially good at communicating that kind of thing. Haha. 

Read those posts. Let me know what you think! 

Have any other ideas of something that was helpful to you in a rough time?

A Grief Observed

by Alissa Graham

Maybe the icicles on my eyes

from the arctic wind that makes me cry

Will plummet into my heart

And break the walls, the chains, apart

If my house was one built of cards

the sooner knocked down the better

and only suffering can do it,

the wrecking ball swings with ease

Grief is like a long valley

A winding road revealing new landscapes.

Maybe loneliness will be invaded

By the joy that’s been on hiatus

Oh lord, I can only pray.

"A corpse, a memory, a ghost.

All mockeries and horrors," CS Lewis said

these three words are simply

three more ways of spelling the word

“dead.”

(excerpts taken from A Grief Observed by CS Lewis)

Caring as a Calling

I really like this article:  Caring as a Calling by Monica J. Maxon. Here is a small clip of it:

An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. . . .To some I’m worse than an embarrassment. I am a death’s head. [C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (Seabury, 1961) Pp. 10, 11]

The act of condolence is a difficult task for most of us. We don’t know what to say -- we might even say something stupid -- and are afraid the distraught one might cry, break down completely; too much time has elapsed, and we’d feel silly, out of place, saying something now; maybe if we can just be extra nice . . . but really, she looks like she wants to be left alone. Or the ultimate excuse: It’s the clergy’s [other roles may be substituted] duty to comfort and care, not mine.

It's about grief, condoling, and showing care- how not to make people dealing with sadness feel like isolated outcasts.  

Im thankful for those around me who have acknowledged whats happened, even in a small way, and have cared, even in a small way. This article is good. Read it definitely.

Dear Dad

I was cleaning my room this afternoon and stumbled upon a half written letter to my dad that I had started when I was in Russia. My heart was hoping I had left it in Russia and wouldn't have to deal with it, but alas, it made it into the pile of papers on my desk. I would give anything to go back, make myself finish it and send it to him. Who knows what would have happened, but then again, thats not what happened.



Hey Dad,
  Its Alissa. You might not have a lot of time or interest to continue reading, but I hope you do.
  I am writing to you from Zavolzhye, Russia, a small town about 6 hours north east of Moscow. I have been here for about two weeks, and already I have come to learn many things.
   In a small town where alcohol is very prevelent in family  issues, I just want to thank you for being an example for me and Kailey in the fact of not often drinking, and raising us to stay away from drunkenness. I also want to thank you for allowing us to attend private Christian school. The difference it has made in my life is incredible. Teachers who cared and honestly put my best interests in front.
  Growing up in this way has certainly brought me to where I am now- sharing the Gospel of God's love and forgiveness in an area of people who have never heard of such things.
   I am not going to pretend that everything is ok between us, because it's not. I feel hurt and sad at everything that has happened in the past year/few years, as well as the fact that we have never been emotionally or spiritually close. Im afraid that it might have to do with my own prideful mindset, and I truly want to apologize.
   You are my dad, and I am your daughter, and I love you, and I hope you love me. It would mean  the world to me if we could work past whatever is between us and be back on decent terms.

And thats where it ends.

Ephesians 4:26-27 says this:
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold."


One day of hurt feelings can easily turn into two, and that turns into two years. Before you know it, your dad is dead, and its too late to make things right. 


There are a lot of reasons that I could be upset with how my dad blew up our relationship and caused a lot of hurt to a lot of people. But I have no excuse when looking at the pride I let linger in my heart, the pride that said, "Well, you deserve to be hurt. Let him figure it out if he wants to make things right." What crap. What lies. 


I challenge, encourage, and implore you strongly, every single one of you, to go and fight for your families. There is absolutely no reason that you should not do whatever you can in your power to restore broken relationships- mother daughter, sister brother, father son, uncle niece, cousin cousin, etc.   You cannot force someone to accept this battle, but you can surely show them the love of Christ. Love that does hard things and battles sin. Then you pray, hard. 

CSI: Buffalo

Lord, you consoled Martha and Mary in their distress; draw near to those who mourn for my dad, and dry the tears of those who weep. You wept at the grave of Lazarus, your friend; comfort us in our sorrow. Comfort us in our sorrows at the death of our brother; let our faith be our consolation, and eternal life our hope.
Hear us, Lord.


Here I am. Still in Buffalo.
Yesterday I went for a visit with my sister and mom to my grandparents house, and that's when we got the horrible phone call from the police that they had found my dad. My family just shut down and panicked, all at the same time. These past two days have felt like a million years. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to barf out all these crazy feelings. Today, I felt like I was living out an episode from CSI as we went through all of his things and tried to figure out what the heck to do, and it was like digging through a strangers junk, because I don't even know him. We made the arrangements for the funeral stuff (see my note on Facebook), and blah blah blah.
Gosh. I will spare you all the gory details. Im tired. And need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is another long day.

Death at JWU Providence Update 1

 *This is just me being curious and investigative. I possess no power or authority in the situation. In respect for this whole issue, feel free not to leave any rude comments.*

At this current time I have no more news that what I had last night. There are still alot of rumors going around and it is impossible at this time to reliably figure out anything specific like cause of death or who specifically found her.

I received this email from JWU:
-----------------------------------
To: Providence Campus Community
From: Ronald Martel, Ph.D.
Vice President, Student Affairs

Date: October 28, 2009
Re Bereavement Notice of JWU Student



It is with sadness that I inform you of the sudden passing of Johnson & Wales University student, Franki Triano. Franki, who is from Leawood, Kansas, recently transferred from the Charlotte Campus to Providence as a student in our College of Business.

 I have spoken to her family and have extended the thoughts and prayers of our community.

 For those who need support during this difficult time, campus counseling services are available at
401-598-1016.

At this time, the university does not know the cause of death.
 ---------------------------

I am pretty sure that no one else was in any way injured or hurt. I also know that JWU and Residential Life are doing everything they can to create a peaceful, safe, and healthy environment for students at the Cove, also university wide.  They also took many precautions to protect students from witnessing anything graphic regarding the police investigation.

As I hear new develoments I will be posting them here.

Death at JWU Providence

 *This is just me being curious and investigative. I possess no power or authority in the situation. In respect for this whole issue, feel free not to leave any rude comments.*

Hey all. So quick update. This evenning I found out that a student from the Johnson & Wales University's Providence campus has died unexpectedly tonight. There are alot of rumors going around right now but the actual death has been reported through many trusted sources as being true.

Please pray for the family, as they are still being notified. Also pray for the students roommates.

Im not sure if she lived in the residence hall known as "The Cove" but I know that is where everything went down tonight.  I know that students residing in the Cove have had floor meetings, and that people are not allowed back in for the night if they weren't already there when the incident happened.

In the next 24 hours JWU will be sending out a network wide email with as many details as they deem necessary to share. Just from the people that I have talked to tonight, the whole campus is starting to become quite shaken by the situation.

Pray. and I will keep updating as I find out news.