Yours, Mine, and Ours

"Colleen North: Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I'm being ridiculous and I don't love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?

Frank Beardsley: You're not being ridiculous. 

Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.

Helen North: What are you two talking about?


Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother. (mother is about to give birth to her 9th child.)


Helen North: Not now!


Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.

Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts."

From the 1968 version of "Yours, Mine, and Ours," with Lucille Ball. I just thought this was a helpful little quote :)

It Takes a Family [Day One & Two]

Last weekend I got on a plane (after a crazy 4am drive to Boston) and hit the air to San Diego California.

I hardly knew what exactly I was getting myself into. All I knew was that I was going to a conference that had something to do with marriage.

Little did I know that I would learn so much from nationally known speakers, make some great friends from across the country, and become equipped to fully enter the discussion on the importance of one man and one woman marrying for life.

Here is a brief overview of my experiences.

The Ruth Institute is a sub-organization, or project, of the National Organization for Marriage. It promotes "marriage between one man and one woman as the ideal for family and childbearing" and mostly works on educating, informing, and discussing on all topics related, such as family law, redefining marriage, same sex marriage, etc. It is supported by proponents of such ideals, including those from various "faith traditions." The student conference "It Takes a Family to Raise a Village" is for further educating and connecting young adult leaders who are passionate about leading the way in the fight for the "gold standard" of marriage.

This conference was a place to learn how to defend marriage from a political, economical, social, biological standpoint.

Arriving at 11am Thursday morning, a few of us hopped in a cab to Point Loma Nazarene University (situated ohh... five seconds from the Pacific). Being early, we decided to take a walk and find lunch. We stumbled upon seafood counter right on the water called Point Loma Seafood, serving up everything fresh and delicious. Heading back to the university we settled in our dorms (or shall I say ocean view suite's), got changed, and then went to the opening reception to mingle.

Hearing from Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, Founder of The Ruth Institute, we were challenged "Defending Marriage: Three Problems that Can't Be Solved With a Political Campaign." We also heard some student leaders from around the country who are making an impact on their campuses, sometimes in an uphill battle against universities trying to quell free speech.. It was awesome. The Ruth Institute is also putting on a contest called "The Reel Love Challenge" for students to make a video about what makes "life long married love possible."

Day Two consisted of four lectures throughout the day. We started off the day reminding ourselves that we were in sunny and beautiful San Diego! The sessions were lead by an intellectual group of nationally known professionals in their respected fields.

Bill Duncan, President of The Marriage Law Foundation, spoke on "Defining Marriage and the Law." He explained how the laws of marriage and parenthood interact with each other. We learned that:

·         marriage is easier to get out of than a cell phone contract

·         the political history of marriage law 

·         including the 1970's protest movement

·         the court case in Hawaii in the 1900's

·         and the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996

 He also discussed the legal arguments and political framing surrounding the issue, and that the real essential for marriage is simply a public recognition of a couple to join together for the protection of children.

Brad Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia, gave a lecture entitled "What Goes Into a Successful Courtship and Marriage." He brought up information about the pitfalls of cohabitation, points about the need for society to encourage healthy dating and relating so that marriages will be healthy, and that oftentimes young people are encouraged toward career and education, but not family life. I thought it was interesting because, well, I totally agree! He also said that "Marriage is the institution that virtually every culture has used to ensure that children get the material, emotional, social, and spiritual support of their mother and father, and that marriage is essential for men and women to order their desires for emotion."


Robert Gagnon, Associate Professor of New Testament at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, spoke on "Jesus and Marriage," bringing forth truths and wisdom from a Biblical perspective, and how Jesus always brought things back to a "Creation Model," emphasizing the twoness of a sexual bond which prohibits a revolving door of divorce. The conference was not explicitly religious, but most there were from a "faith background."


Dr. Freda Bush, senior partner with East Lakeland OB-GYN Associates in Jackson, Mississippi, and a Clinical Instructor in the Department of OB-GYN and Department of Family Medicine at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, spoke on "Frogs, Frags, and Friends: The Hormonal, Emotional, and Physical Impacts of Casual Sex." This was super interested because she literally went through different hormones in the brain such as Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Pheromones, Serotonin and how the brain releases them, connects to certain behaviors, and trigger "trust" circuits. She presented things from a very fascinating medical viewpoint, which often is not  considered.
     

    

We then had a faculty panel discussing "Campus Sexuality, Relationships, and Changing Culture." I was so encouraged by hearing from the faculty (listed above), and from fellow young adult leaders. There are some crazy shenanigans going on college campuses all over the world, but I am challenged to know there are others in the fight.


That night, after battling jetlag, most of us passed out early, but with full brains. 




*It Takes A Family [Day Three & Four] Here

The Providence of this Grief

Let me “quickly” share an observation on the wonderful intentionality of God's plan. While I would rather not speculate, I believe this is a valid observation. As some of you may or may not know, this past fall I was briefly dating a very nice guy. Most of the details are not very important at the moment, except what I’m about to share. God is sovereign, He knows all things, and He knows what is good and helpful for us. Close to the time we started dating, he had recently lost someone very close to him and was going through an intense season of grieving, praying, hoping, and trusting in God.

The topic of death had never quite arose in my life, and therefore I was pretty clueless. Well, being the supportive friend that I try to be, I spent a lot of time researching grief, death, mourning, how we cope, and how we glorify God through the process. Literally pouring over books, blogs, articles, the Bible, all so that I could care well and be a godly encouragement to him.  Many of our conversations were a process of honestly talking through what it meant to trust in God despite this heart breaking situation. I really respected his openness with me and I truly was blown away at how he desired even more so to remain faithful to Christ. We talked, thought, cried, (and sometimes laughed) through some of the crazy responses from the people around him who were also dealing with the situation, how people approached him or avoided him, the ridiculous claims people made about the afterlife, and the painful exasperation of hurting people. We also talked about what he was thinking, feeling, and wondering. As much as I was trying to just be helpful and supportive- I was learning even more- theologically, personally, and relationally.

During this brief relationship (we have long since parted ways due to some significant theological and life differences), my heart was broken (not by him) in a good way. If you know me, I might have been considered slightly "icey" in the past, and I'm sure that those tendencies remain, but God used this situation and this relationship to soften my heart, teach me a lot about compassion, and help me see that grieving is ok.

I have probably cried more in the past year than in the past 20 years of my life. 


Not that crying is some sort of pedestal landmark, but for me it is a real advancement to show emotion in such a visible way. It is a healthy and biblical thing in fact. The Bible, in Romans 12:15, literally says "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." When we are able to share the emotions of others, we offer a means of comfort and showing that we care. 

 

Last fall, I was also in a psychology course where we discussed the stages of grief and how people handle it. We learned that everyone deals with things differently, but that there are also common themes. These are called the Kubler-Ross model and include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross made it important to note that not everyone will work through these stages in a linear fashion, and that in fact, some might skip some of them totally. I've skipped a few of them totally and spent more time in some as opposed to others.

Isn't all of this so ironic? No.... Isn't it intentional? It's providential! Little did I know that less than 3 months later (exactly six months ago), my dad would unexpectedly die, surrounded by unfulfilled hope, pain, hurt, confusion, and unforgiveness.

Had I been newly confronted with the idea of grief and suffering at that point, I would have been practically incapable of wading through the mire, but God spent all fall preparing me for what was to come. I am sure that without this “training,” there would have been some sort of horrible faith and life crisis happening with me. But I was literally schooled on death so that when it ripped it’s way into my life, I would know how to handle it and how to biblically think through it.

Don’t get me wrong, there is no breezing through this situation. It continues to be difficult. It was heart breaking to lose my father. I didn’t think I was prepared. Guess what though, my dad dying is not some sort of "plan B" situation that caught God off guard. I know that God cares for me. I know that I must trust in Him, and that He does what is best. Through this situation, I have also learned so much more about how God is my perfect father.

 People told me that I should be cheerful that my dad is gone, that I should not be sad, he is in a better place perhaps! They said the same kinds of things to my friend, and we had conversations discussing that that isn’t necessarily the truth. Yes, for some there is peace in knowing that there is an after life. But death is not natural. It is a result of the fall of man into sin, it is a perversion of life and creation.


It is okay to mourn this unnatural situation, and realize that this is not how things are supposed to be.

We must realize that while we were all trapped in this unnatural sinful rebellion- God sent his son on a rescue mission to save us. He took the punishment that we deserve for this rebellion, and conquered sin and death so that we might live in freedom, freely relating to God as our father. Death is not the end.

We can make two choices in our life that will direct where we go after we die on earth. We can turn from our sin and place our faith in God, and we spend eternity with Him and his goodness. Or if someone rejects God, they spend eternity in a place that equals out to everything "not good," in fact, horrific pain and evil. This is justice. A crime against an infinite God demands infinite punishment. In his love he provided his son to take our place in the court room, and if we reject this love- we get the just punishment. Friends, accept God’s lavish love. I wish I knew if my dad had.

 I can ask "why did God let my father die," until the cows come home.  But the answer is really: God, why have you allowed rebellious human beings who are born despising you, to live so long? Because of our sin, we deserve death. God is gracious. He gives us the chance for life. He knows what is good for us, and what will cause us to grow. He knows what will bring Himself glory. In His sovereignty, God was gracious to order my life in a way that persevered me in glorifying Himself. 

Next time you go through a situation and you think "what was the point of that (relationship, situation, hurt, class, etc)?" Just think, a short relationship that taught me about grief, it was God's wonderful gracious providence. I am thankful.

Why he HAS to be a Member

I used to work with a graphic designer who was semi in charge of recruiting other graphic designers to hire. One time I remember asking him what he was looking for in consideration of the open position. "Oh," he said,  "creativity, responsibility, they have to be fun, and they HAVE to be a member of AIGA."  (AIGA is a professional association for design)

I inquired further. Why do you say that? Why do they need to be a member of AIGA?

"Because a serious graphic designer is a member of AIGA. It helps them grow as a designer, it is beneficial for networking and professional growth, and it gives them some level of credibility. If they are a for real designer, they are a member."

This story always comes to mind when people ask me what I look for in a potential husband. I say, "He must be creative, responsible, fun.. Oh and he HAS to be a member of a local church."  If he is serious about his faith, one way I will know that is by his commitment to a local body of believers.

Motte Brown did a great little Article over on Marry Well on why being a member of a local church can help you on the path to marriage. Some of the things he talks about in the article are the "benefits" of this membership. They include growing in spiritual maturity, practiced commitment, spiritual compatibility, built in opportunities to serve others, and near instant credibility. I would also want to add in accountability and support. You know this person is learning to submit their lives to Christ, and that is an important quality to grow in as one prepares for marriage/is married.

Members of AIGA learn more about design ethics and how to improve their skills. They go to conferences to learn more and give input on each others design, there is mentorship, and using their talents to help the community.

 Christians need to learn more about their faith and how to implement the gospel. We need support, mentorship, and outreach. But not only do we need to join the church for these reasons, we need to join because it is the example set forth in the Bible as a reflection of the Gospel.

If the terminology is new or confuses you, here are some very helpful resources on the topic of church membership. I've included a short clip from the guys over at 9marks that talks a little bit about what it means:


6-Membership from 9Marks on Vimeo.


What do you think? Is church membership one of your qualifications for a potential spouse? If you are already married, was it a qualification? Why or why not?

Quotes on Marriage

A friend lent me her copy of "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. (subtitle: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy) I enjoy reading books about marriage, because even though I'm not married or anywhere close to being married (though I'd love to be married), there are a lot of take aways and applications about such things like: loving one another, church membership, friendship, priorities, and how we relate to God. (Not to mention great insights into the purpose and intention of marriage.)

I am digging this book so far (and think you should read it.) At the beginning of each chapter there are great quotes. So I thought I would share some of them with you:

"Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, in infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate." - WH Auden.

"Marriage is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature." Katherine Anne Porter

"Marriage requires radical commitment to love our spouses as they are, while longing for them to become what they are not yet. Every marriage moves either towards enhancing one another's glory or toward degrading each other."-Dan Elexander and Tremper Longmann III

"If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become the bigger and better man." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"We must never be naive enough to think of marriage as a safe harbor from the fall... The deepest struggles of life will occur in the most primary relationship affected by the fall: marriage." -Dan Alexander and Tremper Longman III

"A magnificent marriage begins not with knowing one another but with knowing God." -Gary and Betsy Ricucci

What do you think?

Book Review: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex

Yada.

This one word is the premise for “What are You Waiting For? The One Thing No one Ever Tells You About Sex,” written by Dannah Gresh. Yada is a Hebrew word that means “to be known, to be deeply respected,” and is the word used when talking about a husband and wife “laying” with each other. It is found more than 900 times in the Bible, and aside from marital relations, it is most commonly found in verses that talk about humanity being known by God. The alternate word, "Shekalb," literally means an exchange of fluids- and is used when describing rape or adultery. So many people think that they can just exchange fluids with someone, and come away unharmed. But when your soul is looking to be deeply known and respected, as is the purpose of sex, and you just “exchange fluids,” you are setting yourself up to be deeply unsatisfied.
Gresh strives to show us that sex isn’t just an exchange of fluids, but it is “an exquisite revelation of a much greater love,” e.i- a picture of our relationship with God. Amen. 

While reading the first chapters of this book, I was turned off by the sort of “shock jock” literary hooks and emotional chick flick definitions of romance.  So I put my super critical glasses on and prepared to deal with whatever horrible theology was about to be thrown my way. After reading the book in its entirety, I came to the conclusion that the first two chapters should be cut from the book, leaving an age appropriate (written for young adults), challenging, redeeming, truthful nutshell exposition on sex.

I loved Gresh’s treatment on counterfit love via “friends with benefits,” as she includes interesting and easily digestable scientific research on hormones and brain functions. I love how she discusses the quest we all have for love, “to be known and respected,” and how the enemy often turns this search into an unsatiable desire for unhealthy love.

“Every man who knocks at the door of a brothel is looking for God.” –G.K Chesterton.

I was encouraged by Gresh’s stance on same sex attraction, as she challenges the reader to replace lies with truth, drag struggles into the light, and get help from fellow Christians. Isn’t that what we are called to do as Christians- admit we are sinners?  James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” She also talks about pornography and other “unmentionable” sexual sin. I liked that she talks about it in regards to both men AND women, and how “sex is not a solo sport,” (the title of chapter nine).  She offers the idea of forgiveness, and being made whole in Christ as the ultimate solution.

In Chapter 14, Gresh pulls out Ephesians 5 as a biblical model for finding a mate, and I whole heartedly agree with this whole chapter. She talks about finding someone that is showing signs of what Ephesians 5 talks about. I was actually surprised by this chapter, as it seems to contradict what she says in chapter two about what kind of love to be looking for. But I will eagerly take it.

Anyways, this book does struggle slightly (in my opinion) with romanticism, the idea that you want some epic  pursuit with flowers everyday ending with a carriage ride and then a marriage proposal kind of romance. If I had a daughter, would I give it to her to read? I think I might, as long as a discussion followed it up. Would this be my definite first pick for a book on the theology of sex? Probably not so much. 

“I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review”.

Marriage is a Hospital: And Other Lessons on Married Life from Martin Luther

I love Martin Luther and what he has to say on marriage. So do the guys over at The Resurgence, which have been host to a series solely dedicated to Luther and holy matrimony which I have been enjoying incredibly. This article by Justin Taylor, titled 4 Lessons from Luther on Married Life stood out to me quite a bit so I thought, "Nows the time!" (to share a little tidbit of course.)

No marriage seminars will tell you this, but Luther will: marriage is like a hospital. You won’t find the metaphor understandable or appealing until you realize that you are sick and that you need to be healed. Here’s how Luther put it:
The temptation of the flesh has become so strong and consuming that marriage may be likened to a hospital for incurables which prevents inmates from falling into graver sins.

Luther biographer Roland Bainton picks up another metaphor in his writings:

"After his own marriage Luther’s tone shifted to a stress upon the home as a school for character. It is the area where the Christian virtues find their readiest exemplification, and, whereas in Catholicism monasticism is the sphere for the cultivation of the counsels of perfection, in Protestantism the home is as it were a functional substitute."

Both metaphors—a school and a hospital—signal the important role of marriage as an agent of sanctification and rehabilitation. Our selfishness and pride are exposed. And if we respond in God-honoring humility, marriage can be used by God to cleanse us of our sin. The shift away from the monastic metaphor is also significant, for it signifies that marriage is never a purely private affair. Christian marriage is not to be of the world, but it must certainly be in the world.

Amen, Luther, Amen. (Like I even know)

Check out others in the series:

• Luther: The 40-Year-Old Virgin?
• When Martin Met Katie
• The Original Lutheran Marriage: Love and Marriage Aren’t Always Like a Horse and Carriage
• The Luthers' Marriage

"About Love, or, Why I Hate Attraction."

I love CCEF (Christian Counseling and Education Foundation). I literally aim to read all of their books, blogs, booklets, web content, and heck I would go to their school if I lived in Philly. They are legit, bible based, gospel oriented, and rock solid. And so I figured I would share the love.

Ed Welch recently wrote an article titled "About Love, or, Why I Hate Attraction," and its super interesting. If you have been around me for more than 231431 minutes, you will know how I stand on relationships and attraction. No, I DO NOT hate attraction, and I am NOT some sort of crazy prudish love hater.

I just think the role that so many people place attraction in, the center role usually- well, needs to be rethought a little bit.
I IMPLORE you to read the whole article. Click the title below.

About Love, Or, Why I Hate Attraction: by Ed Welch

Here is a tasty tidbit:

"Attraction is fun, and in Western systems of courtship and marriage, it is the way couples get started, but attraction is about me. It’s about how someone makes me feel. In that sense, attraction is rubbish. It gets people together but it is powerless to keep them together. Even more, attraction, without the addition of other forms of love, promises to separate marriages and any once-close relationship."

Amen brother, and I would possibly go so far to say that this kind of love should be adapted and applied to all Christian relationships. Example, are we "attracted" to your friends, because they can do something for us? Are we "attracted" to our church because of how it serves our "needs"? Or are we loving like Christ has called us to?


Thoughts?

Blessings of Singleness?

So I stumbled upon this series on "Singleness Suffering," and I just "couldn't put it down." I've compiled it and hope you too can benefit from some of the interesting and powerful perspectives. Some of the titles confused me, I mean come on, a blessing of singleness to be loneliness? But you will understand by the end, and certain attitudes will definitely be challenged.

 Let me know what you think if you happen to read any of them. Under the link there are little clips to peak your interest :)    Enjoy...

Blessings of Singleness#1: Loneliness

 "...Loneliness is rooted in the pain of never feeling truly known; not having anyone who shares my deepest fears, dreams or longings.  And the fraudulent reality that singles sometimes believe is that no one has even attempted to know us.  We feel alone in decisions.  We feel alone in our fears.  We feel alone in our dreams.  The weird thing about singleness is that no one is supposed to know us in the deepest ways.  I am in a season of life where God has declared that no mortal being will know me intimately.  And that’s lonely...."

Blessings of Singleness #2: The Pain of Freedom
"Okay – this may be a hard sell – but there is a unique pain in singleness in what the world affectionately calls ‘freedom’."


Blessings of Singleness #3: Losing Control
"...I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life.  I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life.  The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want."


Blessings of Singleness#4: The Pain of Rejection
"Jesus talks about the danger of receiving affirmation from people in such a way that it adds something to you.  People’s instinct is to assure you that it’s valid to want or even need affirmation from other people, but Jesus says otherwise.  He says that affirmation and love from another human being should not be wanted or even received in such a way that it fills deficiency in us.  He says that when affirmation from people adds to our sense of self and security, it robs us of the ability to be satisfied in Him."


Blessings of Singleness #5: Lack of Physical Intimacy
"Part of why it’s been so painful is it is probably the struggle that has confused me most.  It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for.  It’s challenging to not feel entitled."


Blessings of Singleness #6: The Pain of Misplaced Shame "Every single in the world knows what I’m taking about.  It’s the shame you feel when someone exclaims out loud ‘why are you still single???’ and inside your head comes the shame: people are only single if they have some flaw.  what’s mine?"

Top Ten Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

This cracked me up, (I couldn't find the author.) 
Check it out :)


Top 10 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife 

10. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) 

9. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Ruth 
4:5-10) 

8. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim 
her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 

7. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one 
and carry her off to be your wife. (Judges 21:19-25) 

6. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his 
daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27) 

5. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Esther 2:3-4) 

4. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his 
flock. (Exodus 2:16-21) 

3. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have 
seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, 
simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Judges 14:1-3) 

2. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. 
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years 
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen 
years of toil for a woman. (Genesis 29:15-30) 

1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you 
a rib. (Genesis 2:19-24)

Married or Single: For Better or Worse

Married or Single: For Better or Worse By John Piper, May 2007

Following this weekend’s sermon entitled “Single in Christ: A Better Name Than Sons and Daughters,” Pastor John received a letter asking, “If what you say about the blessing of singleness is true, then why would one even want to be married?” Here is his response.

Dear Friend, You ask: “What is at all compelling about marriage? Why would we even want to be married?"

  The “compelling” comes only from the right combination of internal realities and objective truths about God’s design for marriage. When the right combination is not there, marriage is not compelling and should not be. I would say the same thing about singleness.

The objective truths about marriage are primarily God’s design: 
1. To display his covenant keeping love between Christ and the church,
2. To sanctify the couple with the peculiar pains and pleasures of marriage,
3. To beget and rear a generation of white-hot worshippers, and
4. And to channel good sexual desire into holy paths and transpose it into worshipful foretastes of heaven’s pleasures.

 That is a high calling, but it is only compelling if it meets with internal longings for God that lean strongly into these designs.

The objective truths about singleness are also primarily God’s design: 
1. To display the spiritual nature of God’s family that grows from regeneration and faith, not procreation and sex,
2. To sanctify the single with the peculiar pains and pleasures of singleness,
3. To capture more of the single’s life for non-domestic ministry that is so desperately needed in the world,
4. And to magnify the all-satisfying worth of Christ that sustains life-long chastity.

 That is a high calling, but it is only compelling if it meets with internal longings for God that lean strongly into these designs. 

I encourage you to check out the full article:  Desiring God Resources

Taking the "If" of "If I Get Married," Seriously

(orignally written 2/20/10) 

I stumbled upon this blog post the other day, and it really struck me. Here are some excerpts, for the whole post, please click here.

"Lately, I have really been questioning whether God even has it in His plan for me to be married someday—but I haven’t been praying about it seriously. This hasn’t changed my desire for a boyfriend, or heck, a date next Friday. But I have been learning a few things about myself that have made me question if I’m supposed to be married someday... 

...Some people know that they will get married someday, it’s just the when or to whom that remains to be seen. Other people, as Paul writes in I Corinthians 7, know that they are called to a life of celibacy and singleness. I’m in a strange state of limbo and could see myself going either way. Hence the need for serious prayer about this issue. In the past, when I said “IF I get married,” or “IF I find someone,” it was followed by a wistful sigh of self-pity. Now I use “if” seriously, genuinely not knowing that marriage is in my future. Sadly, some people, who have been conditioned to do so, jump at the chance to say things like, “Of COURSE you’ll find someone! Don’t be silly! Guys are just stupid and don’t know what they’re missing.” Then I have to correct them and say, “No, really. I really don’t know if I’m going to get married!”

Wow, I have been having the same internal conversations lately.

Ive been praying, “God, if its in your will for me to get married, thats cool, but I am totally up for your plans, and my purpose on this earth is to bring glory to you, so whatever way will allow that to happen best, is best.”

After making a bunch of mistakes in the "love" department, and God teaching me a lot of things about finding my joy and satisfaction in Him, I am currently single, and truly content. Thanks to my local church and many amazing people in my life, its been a grace filled journey.

Whether or not I would date if given the opportunity, hard to say at the moment, but I'm not interested in just putzing around. God has shown me incredible grace and redeeming love, and I’m interested in serving Him to my fullest capacity. If someone else came along that shared my passion, (and liked me?) I’d be all about it. Haha.

A lot to think about though, and like the conclusion from the blog, its time to take the "if" of "if I get married," seriously.

What do you think? Should we be taking the "if" more seriously? If you are not married, do you know for sure that you will get married one day? How do you pray about this kind of thing?

God Bless.

Do You Date or Use Chop Sticks?

This topic of dating and relating is relevant to mostly everyone. I was spurred to write the following blog post by a fellow rhodey blogger (Check out his blog if you would like: Click Here.) provoking some questions about how we teach the topic in church or youth group. Do we tell people not to date? The bible is silent on the specific issue of "dating" or "courtship" and it made me think. So here is my response.

The debate between dating vs courtship vs who knows what else is kind of like debating between using a fork vs using chopsticks. They both get us to the end goal, some maybe a little cleaner and neater, others depend on social/cultural norms, but it gets the food to the mouth. So that’s not really the debate. The debate is what is the point of that action? The point is to get the food to the mouth the most efficient way possible (efficient = god honoring?). So we know we don’t want to throw it across the room, and we know we don’t want to dump the food in the garbage or burn it in a pot so you have nothing left to eat, or stab someone in the face with our forks.

Anyways, the point is: what is the point of dating or courtship? The point is a godly marriage (or to realize that you aren suitable partners). Marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. It’s main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs. No. It’s primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God. It is outward focused, for God’s glory, not inward centered, for our comfort. (thank you carm.org for that agreeable definition).

It’s kind of silly to bash dating or courtship, because they are just the means to the goal, and both can obviously be used and abused.

I think the way to address it this whole topic to teach about godly marriage and relationships first and foremost. Why even use the words “dating” or “courtship?” We should never even have a talk about dating without including a discussion on marriage.

Did you ever play those ice breaker games where everyone gets all these ingredients, and their friend has to tell them step by step how to get to the end goal, but they don’t necessarily know what the end goal is, and by the time they are done following all these messy directions they just have a sloppy pile of bread and gook? Wouldn’t be easier if we started out by telling them what the end goal was supposed to be about, and clearly defining it? “You are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a sandwich is two slices of bread with the condiments in the middle.” I think their end product would be more on track than the other guy.

So we should first teach about what is a healthy and God honoring marriage. Straight up, thorough, Biblical theology about it. After that, we teach Christian grace and living, being involved in a healthy local church, spiritual disciplines, holiness, honoring God, being salt and life, missions, having good Christian friends, all that good stuff.

So now people know the clear end goal: biblical marriage, and they know how to live like someone who has been saved. I think that’s where we can now step in and give them even clearer guidelines that are pumped with grace: Stay pure. Consult elders and fellow church members and family for wisdom. Ask yourself “will this relationship glorify God.” Am I being intentional and selfless towards this person? Am I cultivating a relationship that is moving towards a marriage that will showcase the wonderful love that Christ has for the church?

After that, explain Christian freedom. Some people like to cut the crust off of their bread. Others like to toast their bread, or use crunchy peanut butter, that’s cool too. If someone can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without slicing off their thumb or burning the toast, then we have accomplished our goal.

If we have faithfully taught correct theology to people who are passionate about God, I don’t see how they would want to do anything other than honor God in their relationships and strive for his purposes, and they will see that being unequally yoked isn’t even an option. Steven Patton, from the aforementioned blog, said that pastor’s should not teach from a personal perspective that has been swayed by emotions or situations, but strive to teach biblical truth, and I one hundred percent agree.

I’m not a skilled professional on the topic. But that’s what I think. (sorry for all the ridiculous and terrible analogies… haha.)

What do you think? Should we just kiss dating good bye, should we applaud courtship, or should we embrace a method that is simply biblical?

A Valentine's Day Prayer

Love is patient, love is kind.
Lord please help me to have patience when dealing with all sorts of people. I want to be kind, even when there is no gratitude or acknowledgement. And I want to be creatively kind at that.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
Help me to look at my brother or sister and wish them well, not wish for what they have, or proclaim useless platitudes in order to have them think better of me. Help me to be humble and encouraging.


It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 
I do not want to be rude or hurtful. Please help me to stop and listen, rather than to jump in and speak. I want to only seek after the other persons benefits, and shove down my own. I want to have self control, a disciplined mind that will be laid back and loving, not quick to become offended or angered. I want to forgive and forget. Even if they hurt me 77x777 times, I want to forgive them.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
And sometimes the truth is not sexy.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 
I desire to protect hearts, to protect reputations. I hope to trust always, giving the benefit of the doubt. I want to be able to hope for the good, and always persevere through the bad with my friends.

Love never fails. 
God I thank you that you are love. And I thank you that you never fail me. I hope and pray that I also do not fail those that I love, but I also ask for you to give both them and I mercy and grace for when I do.


1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New King James Bible)


As this Valentine's Day of 2009 comes to fruition, I hope that we think of greater things... Not about the candy or the heart socks that our grandparents buy us, the romantic dinners, or the cards from friends. But we think of deeper things.

"How can I love greater?"
I love my friend more by being slow to anger when he angers me.
I love my dad better when I seek to keep no record of his wrongs.
I can love my boyfriend/girlfriend better by striving to protect their hearts and their purity.
I can love strangers better by not delighting in evil, but seeking to rejoice in the truth, which sometimes isnt popular or easy.

Also, "how can I love God better?" Maybe by cutting out some of the crap that we strangle ourselves in and realizing the truth that He will never fail us, and He is love, so feel free to insert His name whereever love appears.

Which means that God:
Is patient, is kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. AND NEVER FAILS.



Amen. =)
Much love&
HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY
-Alissa-

I said noo nooo, noo noo, you're not the one for me...

1 Timothy 5 :1-2
 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

Timothy 5 is a beast chapter. Its full of meat and how to treat widows, and each other and elders. For some reason I laugh a little when I read it, just because of how hardcore it is. But, these first few verses are ridiculously relevant to my life right now. Dang, I mean the whole Bible is relevant to my life right now, but specifically I am pinpointing these verses. Its slightly a hard concept to grasp, treating younger men as brothers, seeing as Ive never had a brother. And to treat an older man as a father? As in, hey you are a year older than me... really?   Hmm.. I enjoy how it says nothing about treating them as friends, and how it finishes "with absolute purity." Seriously no joke. I like it.
I think of myself, and how I always have guy friends around.. and how I need to start treating them like brothers, in all purity. I am reminded of Casey and her brother(s) and the love/admiration that they have for one another. I guess I slightly struggle with the difference between brother/friend.. or if there really is not one.
Proverbs 17:17 (21st Century King James Version)
A friend is loving at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 18:24 (21st Century King James Version)
A man that hath friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
Zechariah 7:10 (21st Century King James Version)
And oppress not the widow nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.'


   If I had my Strongs concordance I would look up the literal Greek and Hebrew translations of the words "Brother" and "Friend."    So I ponder.  And I will revisit this subject at a later time.
Ok my life goal is to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. And ready.. set.. go.