It Takes a Family [Day One & Two]

Last weekend I got on a plane (after a crazy 4am drive to Boston) and hit the air to San Diego California.

I hardly knew what exactly I was getting myself into. All I knew was that I was going to a conference that had something to do with marriage.

Little did I know that I would learn so much from nationally known speakers, make some great friends from across the country, and become equipped to fully enter the discussion on the importance of one man and one woman marrying for life.

Here is a brief overview of my experiences.

The Ruth Institute is a sub-organization, or project, of the National Organization for Marriage. It promotes "marriage between one man and one woman as the ideal for family and childbearing" and mostly works on educating, informing, and discussing on all topics related, such as family law, redefining marriage, same sex marriage, etc. It is supported by proponents of such ideals, including those from various "faith traditions." The student conference "It Takes a Family to Raise a Village" is for further educating and connecting young adult leaders who are passionate about leading the way in the fight for the "gold standard" of marriage.

This conference was a place to learn how to defend marriage from a political, economical, social, biological standpoint.

Arriving at 11am Thursday morning, a few of us hopped in a cab to Point Loma Nazarene University (situated ohh... five seconds from the Pacific). Being early, we decided to take a walk and find lunch. We stumbled upon seafood counter right on the water called Point Loma Seafood, serving up everything fresh and delicious. Heading back to the university we settled in our dorms (or shall I say ocean view suite's), got changed, and then went to the opening reception to mingle.

Hearing from Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, Founder of The Ruth Institute, we were challenged "Defending Marriage: Three Problems that Can't Be Solved With a Political Campaign." We also heard some student leaders from around the country who are making an impact on their campuses, sometimes in an uphill battle against universities trying to quell free speech.. It was awesome. The Ruth Institute is also putting on a contest called "The Reel Love Challenge" for students to make a video about what makes "life long married love possible."

Day Two consisted of four lectures throughout the day. We started off the day reminding ourselves that we were in sunny and beautiful San Diego! The sessions were lead by an intellectual group of nationally known professionals in their respected fields.

Bill Duncan, President of The Marriage Law Foundation, spoke on "Defining Marriage and the Law." He explained how the laws of marriage and parenthood interact with each other. We learned that:

·         marriage is easier to get out of than a cell phone contract

·         the political history of marriage law 

·         including the 1970's protest movement

·         the court case in Hawaii in the 1900's

·         and the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996

 He also discussed the legal arguments and political framing surrounding the issue, and that the real essential for marriage is simply a public recognition of a couple to join together for the protection of children.

Brad Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia, gave a lecture entitled "What Goes Into a Successful Courtship and Marriage." He brought up information about the pitfalls of cohabitation, points about the need for society to encourage healthy dating and relating so that marriages will be healthy, and that oftentimes young people are encouraged toward career and education, but not family life. I thought it was interesting because, well, I totally agree! He also said that "Marriage is the institution that virtually every culture has used to ensure that children get the material, emotional, social, and spiritual support of their mother and father, and that marriage is essential for men and women to order their desires for emotion."


Robert Gagnon, Associate Professor of New Testament at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, spoke on "Jesus and Marriage," bringing forth truths and wisdom from a Biblical perspective, and how Jesus always brought things back to a "Creation Model," emphasizing the twoness of a sexual bond which prohibits a revolving door of divorce. The conference was not explicitly religious, but most there were from a "faith background."


Dr. Freda Bush, senior partner with East Lakeland OB-GYN Associates in Jackson, Mississippi, and a Clinical Instructor in the Department of OB-GYN and Department of Family Medicine at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, spoke on "Frogs, Frags, and Friends: The Hormonal, Emotional, and Physical Impacts of Casual Sex." This was super interested because she literally went through different hormones in the brain such as Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Pheromones, Serotonin and how the brain releases them, connects to certain behaviors, and trigger "trust" circuits. She presented things from a very fascinating medical viewpoint, which often is not  considered.
     

    

We then had a faculty panel discussing "Campus Sexuality, Relationships, and Changing Culture." I was so encouraged by hearing from the faculty (listed above), and from fellow young adult leaders. There are some crazy shenanigans going on college campuses all over the world, but I am challenged to know there are others in the fight.


That night, after battling jetlag, most of us passed out early, but with full brains. 




*It Takes A Family [Day Three & Four] Here

Experience New England: The Kennebunks!

My sister and I have desired to go to Kennebunkport, Maine for quite some time now. It's coastal charm called our names, and finally we planned the trip!

Located on the edge of Maine just 90 minutes north east of Boston, the Kennebunks are a group of about 5 towns that stretch across the shoreline.

From a tourism perspective, I was blown away with the breadth of niches that the Kennebunk area was able to fill. They are a perfect destination for families, nature lovers, beach bums, foodies, romantic escapes, and girlfriend getaways. Everyone was always friendly and helpful, parking was never a frustration, the bathrooms were numerous, free, and clean, and we never felt like we were caught in a tourist trap.

There are many resorts, cottages, cabins, and villas to choose from, but we decided to set up tent at Red Apple Campground in Arundel, Maine (literally 3 minutes from KBP). It is small, but one of the top rated campgrounds in the country. I was IMPRESSED with the hospitality of the staff. We arrived and the man in the office hooked us up with tons of information on the area. He also was kind enough to show us where everything was on the map! Our tent site was a good size for two people, and came with picnic table and fire pit. The bathrooms were astoundingly clean and never busy. It is definitely a family camp, but we didn't mind because we were usually only there when it was dark out and everyone was sleeping.

We only had about two days, and we had two dedicated activities that we wanted to do. Everything just fell right into place!

Our first afternoon was a little overcast, so we went into the downtown shopping district and walked around. So many neat little shops, restaurants, and art galleries. We wandered to the nearest Hannafords in Wells to buy bug spray (with the coupons included in the campground welcome package), then looped 'round to briefly check out Wells beach, saw some glorious summer homes right on the water in kennebunk, and by the time we got back to the campground it was time to start a fire, cook up some hot dogs, and then get to bed!

The next day we woke up with a plan. We started off on the road north to Cape Porpoise. Since it was already noon when we hit the road, we stopped and grabbed lunch at the Cape Porpoise Kitchen (best turkey reuben of my life) and hit the beach, Goose Rocks Beach. The sand was fine, the water was cool, and the sun was a blazin.

After getting a nice bronze, we headed down Ocean Ave to see former president Bush's summer home on Walker's Point.

We stopped a few times along the drive to admire the rugged beauty of the ocean coupled with whatever it was playfully interacting with whether it was sailboats, the chapel on the sea, a man with his painters eisel, or just the rocky shore.

Later that night, we arrived at our anticipated destination, The Lobster Bake and Fourth of July Celebration at the Nonantum Resort! We had been so excited for this- with the live band, fresh lobster, sand bar, ice cream, fireworks over the beach. It felt like we were at a picnic with 500 of our closest friends. Everyone was having a great time hanging out, cracking open lobsters, and enjoying the weather.

This trip went by too fast, that's all I can really say to sum it up. We are thinking about making it a tradition, and I think Kennebunk is definitely a place I would like to spend more time.

Rethink Voluntourism

For the whole trimester, I have been trying to come up with a topic to research for a large year end Sociology project. At first I had all these crazy ideas about topics that had nothing to do with anything. Then my wonderful mom said "Why don't you just do a topic that has to do with your major? You like that stuff." Shazaamwow, an idea was born.

"The Effects of Symbolism in Voluntourism." I don't really know how I came up with it, but the basic premise is that in voluntourism (volunteer tourism) there is a lot of incorrect symbolism, which negatively (and I am reluctant to say, but positively as well) affects other cultures.

Symbolism is a sociological term, and it is just what you think it is, when we see something and take it to represent a larger thing. 

I started my project off by asking people what they thought of when they thought of Las Vegas. Obviously everyone thinks of gambling, sex, drugs, etc. Perfect, as that is the marketed symbol. They want you to think that. But did you know that Vegas has a growing homeless rate? That it has a large elderly population? That it has a unique historical heritage? Then I asked what people thought of when they thought "Africa." Safaris, poverty, hunger, orphans. -Wow, what symbols. 
  

We often create symbols in voluntourism that benefit us, that assuage our guilt, that don't really encompass the reality of the situation, or provide long term sustainable growth for those we intend to "help." We think "I need to go build a church in Mexico." Or "I need to donate all these old clothes to poor naked African children." 

 I found this great example from Vagabondish that goes as follows:

"You would think that donating old clothing to poor African communities would be a good thing, right. You give the clothes to your church group, a local tailor makes any necessary repairs, and the duds are shipped off to the naked people of Africa. I mean – they’d be naked if they didn’t have our clothes, right? Wrong. Instead, local African tailors are put out of business, because people can get their clothes for free from donation shipments. Local economies suffer, the local tailors eventually die, and their skills die with them, since there is no need for a tailor in the community."

What if instead of wasting money traveling down to Mexico to build a church, you give that job to someone who needs it. Send money or building materials down there. Let a local man get paid to do his job and support his family. Unless you are a trained contractor, do not think that your American church building skills are any better than his, and don't think you are doing some grandiose heavenly favor. 

In the rest of my project, I just discuss some other issues with how our interpretations of a voluntourism destination can be both hurtful, and sometimes helpful. 

As a Christian, I am called to help others in need, and I think there are legitimate times when it is good to give  freely, (you know- times of war, plague, disaster etc).  

But in order for volunteer work to be helpful we have to think about the bigger, long term, sustainable picture. We want to not only give a man a fish, but we want to teach him how to fish. Maybe instead of throwing my crappy donations at the problem, or doing a job we are not trained to do- We can teach. We can empower. We can finance. We can provide resources.

Volunteering isn't bad. But we have to check out our motives, goals, and the reality of the situation.      

 My professor told me "great presentation on a unique topic with a functional perspective on the consequences of these programs as they ripple through global cultures." So hopefully I get an A on that :)

Thoughts? Do you agree? Do you think we should just give freely without concern? Should we rethink charity or a donations system? Does this apply to any other industry (perhaps food banks? or clothing drives?)

Dear Dad

I was cleaning my room this afternoon and stumbled upon a half written letter to my dad that I had started when I was in Russia. My heart was hoping I had left it in Russia and wouldn't have to deal with it, but alas, it made it into the pile of papers on my desk. I would give anything to go back, make myself finish it and send it to him. Who knows what would have happened, but then again, thats not what happened.



Hey Dad,
  Its Alissa. You might not have a lot of time or interest to continue reading, but I hope you do.
  I am writing to you from Zavolzhye, Russia, a small town about 6 hours north east of Moscow. I have been here for about two weeks, and already I have come to learn many things.
   In a small town where alcohol is very prevelent in family  issues, I just want to thank you for being an example for me and Kailey in the fact of not often drinking, and raising us to stay away from drunkenness. I also want to thank you for allowing us to attend private Christian school. The difference it has made in my life is incredible. Teachers who cared and honestly put my best interests in front.
  Growing up in this way has certainly brought me to where I am now- sharing the Gospel of God's love and forgiveness in an area of people who have never heard of such things.
   I am not going to pretend that everything is ok between us, because it's not. I feel hurt and sad at everything that has happened in the past year/few years, as well as the fact that we have never been emotionally or spiritually close. Im afraid that it might have to do with my own prideful mindset, and I truly want to apologize.
   You are my dad, and I am your daughter, and I love you, and I hope you love me. It would mean  the world to me if we could work past whatever is between us and be back on decent terms.

And thats where it ends.

Ephesians 4:26-27 says this:
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold."


One day of hurt feelings can easily turn into two, and that turns into two years. Before you know it, your dad is dead, and its too late to make things right. 


There are a lot of reasons that I could be upset with how my dad blew up our relationship and caused a lot of hurt to a lot of people. But I have no excuse when looking at the pride I let linger in my heart, the pride that said, "Well, you deserve to be hurt. Let him figure it out if he wants to make things right." What crap. What lies. 


I challenge, encourage, and implore you strongly, every single one of you, to go and fight for your families. There is absolutely no reason that you should not do whatever you can in your power to restore broken relationships- mother daughter, sister brother, father son, uncle niece, cousin cousin, etc.   You cannot force someone to accept this battle, but you can surely show them the love of Christ. Love that does hard things and battles sin. Then you pray, hard. 

Blessings of Singleness?

So I stumbled upon this series on "Singleness Suffering," and I just "couldn't put it down." I've compiled it and hope you too can benefit from some of the interesting and powerful perspectives. Some of the titles confused me, I mean come on, a blessing of singleness to be loneliness? But you will understand by the end, and certain attitudes will definitely be challenged.

 Let me know what you think if you happen to read any of them. Under the link there are little clips to peak your interest :)    Enjoy...

Blessings of Singleness#1: Loneliness

 "...Loneliness is rooted in the pain of never feeling truly known; not having anyone who shares my deepest fears, dreams or longings.  And the fraudulent reality that singles sometimes believe is that no one has even attempted to know us.  We feel alone in decisions.  We feel alone in our fears.  We feel alone in our dreams.  The weird thing about singleness is that no one is supposed to know us in the deepest ways.  I am in a season of life where God has declared that no mortal being will know me intimately.  And that’s lonely...."

Blessings of Singleness #2: The Pain of Freedom
"Okay – this may be a hard sell – but there is a unique pain in singleness in what the world affectionately calls ‘freedom’."


Blessings of Singleness #3: Losing Control
"...I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life.  I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life.  The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want."


Blessings of Singleness#4: The Pain of Rejection
"Jesus talks about the danger of receiving affirmation from people in such a way that it adds something to you.  People’s instinct is to assure you that it’s valid to want or even need affirmation from other people, but Jesus says otherwise.  He says that affirmation and love from another human being should not be wanted or even received in such a way that it fills deficiency in us.  He says that when affirmation from people adds to our sense of self and security, it robs us of the ability to be satisfied in Him."


Blessings of Singleness #5: Lack of Physical Intimacy
"Part of why it’s been so painful is it is probably the struggle that has confused me most.  It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for.  It’s challenging to not feel entitled."


Blessings of Singleness #6: The Pain of Misplaced Shame "Every single in the world knows what I’m taking about.  It’s the shame you feel when someone exclaims out loud ‘why are you still single???’ and inside your head comes the shame: people are only single if they have some flaw.  what’s mine?"