Corduroy Jackets, Faith, and Questions

As I shuffled through piles of spiral bound notebooks on my shelf, looking for one with the perfect amount of empty pages to capture any thoughts I could possibly have, a rough looking one caught my attention. Dated almost a decade ago, it appeared to be a journal from high school yesteryear. I shoved it in my purse next to some books that I thought would provoke note taking, and headed downcity to get some reading done.

Of course I pulled the blue notebook out first, pages filed with the scribbles of my 14 year old self. The first few pages were full of the typicalities of that year. Directions on making the perfect duct tape messenger bag and a long list of inspirational quotes, including: "I have learned a lesson from all the lessons I have learned." (How inspirational, yeah?)

Reading further in, one specific entry caught my eye and made me think. It talked about a recent purchase that I had made. Essentially, I had always wanted a corduroy jacket. Apparently that was the style for high school freshman in 2003 (or something). Well, I found one at the local BonTon (imagine JCPenney and Bed Bath and Beyond combined into one store), it was green and calling my name, so I bought it. For $32. Perfect right? Well, it was a boys jacket and it fit, except not really (stupid girl hips). But I had a gift card! I still remember it to this day, and wonder why in the heavens my mom let me do that.

I was prompted to text my mom asking her if she remembered the situation, which she indeed did. She said that she wondered about my ability to get what I want because I want it and then figure out how to make it work, as if it were some magical strength. (I do recall wearing it a few times, though it was a tight in awkward places and loose in awkward places).

While my ability to get what I want and make it work seems like a strength in some perspectives- I think I see it differently- almost as a weakness that I end up having to jerry rig. Could I have found a jacket that actually fit and looked somewhat decent? Probably! Had I just held on for a little longer and looked around a little more, surely there would have been a "stylish," (green), (womens) corduroy jacket with my name blazed across it. Impatiently, I took the first thing that seemed to resemble what I want.

Curiously, I wonder if this reflects a deeper attitude in my life.  

Not to infer that a bad fashion choice as a 14 year old reflects my adult life choices, but maybe. 

Do I want something and then take the first thing that even slightly resembles it? Or do I trust in God to provide what most glorifies Him, and wait for timing that might be alternative to mine? Sigh. This question cuts into my soul with a heavy, dull, but quite relevant knife.

At the moment, answers allude me, and this post might be drowning in over-processed mire. It is almost midnight after all. 

Do you have any answers or thoughts?

Fog and Pain

I just wanted to visit some friends.

Woke up early, dressed, maybe took a few too many minutes to get ready.
Grabbed some pancake ingredients, put the eggs in a baggie in my pocket.
Put on my sneakers- maybe they were moccasins- ran out the door into the brisk morning.

"It's  going to be okay, I am an occupational therapist!" A strange man stopped his white 15 passenger and ran to my side as I lay on the icy ground grasping for air.

The eggs survived.
Two months ago, my last normal step.

Today the beautiful Narragansett Bay looked sun kissed and the green grass was frolic ready. I took my first step and felt a twang. If it isn't my knee, it's my foot. Probably both. After every step I forget, and during every step I remember. Guilt creeps in, I feel lazy, but then I take another step and the pain shoots up my leg.

The doctor said I need a second opinion. All I have to do is call the specialist. I've turned into my dad.
"I don't want to bother anyone to take me."
"I don't want to pay for any procedure."
"I cant afford to take off work."

I'm going to die alone?

If I tie my shoes extra tight, and the orthopedic insert fits perfectly into my lackluster arch- I can make this work. How ridiculous.

Where is my trust in God for provision and healing? Where is my reliance on people for support and help? Where is my "can-do" attitude that wants to conquer all? Where am I?

Slugs, Bandwagons, and Jars of Clay

Hey Family and Friends afar. I've been a little lax in communication lately, and I apologize. As you probably know, my phone was out of service for a few weeks there and Ive been kind of  busy since I got the new one.

Figured I would update you a little bit on some things Ive been up to.

My roommate Erica and I poured salt on a slug that we found in our backyard the other day:


I went to a upclose and personal acoustic Jars of Clay concert in Foxboro the other night with some friends. Here is my favorite clip from my most favorite song:


Yesterday a friend and I got caught up in an "Occupy" Providence protest march. It was pretty intense, but everyone was really nice, and there were some great signage.



Aside from work, reading a ton of books, hanging out with friends, enjoying olive bread from Seven Stars Bakery, and church, that's been about the past week :)

In My Weakness He Is Strong

God is good.

I think he brings us to a place of emptiness so we realize that nothing else will satisfy us except for Him.

A place of loneliness so that we realize that no one else can be there for us like He can.

A place of loss so we can realize that he is our ultimate provider.

A place of weakness so we can realize that he is our strength.
A place of waiting until we realize that it is His sovereign timing that is perfect.

All of these things so we learn to make less of ourselves and more of Him.

Tomorrow I get to spend time with my lovely church family through our corporate gathering and then some of us are hitting the road for a spur of the moment camping trip in the woods of Rhode Island. Spending time away from the "busy-ness" of life always helps me to gather my thoughts and relish in the bigger picture of things.
Catch ya on the flip side.

Transitions

Many a transition has occurred in the past two weeks/months. That might help explain why I have been off the grid for a bit.

I've gone from messy room to clean room:

From hanging out with friends in Buffalo to hanging out with friends in Providence:

Bye's Popcorn in Olcott w/ Kt, Linds, and Jan

The Attic performing in Buffalo. Bryan, Casey, and co.

Grace Harbor afternoon at the Beach. Jake, Niki, and Adam.

From working in the University Info Center to training in the Auto Roadside Assistance call center.

From being a full time student/intern/part time/club president to having one job.

From having 4 roommates, to 5 roommates, to 2 roommates, to 3 roommates. 

From jeans and a T-shirt to business casual.

From flip flops to high heels.

From planning CSF to sending the new CSF leaders a text of encouragement as they are at their planning retreat as I ride the bus to work.

From a one hour daily round trip commute to a two hour daily round trip commute.

From staying up all hours of the night to kicking people out by eleven.

From having all the time in my life to check facebook, read blogs, text friends, play games, watch movies to actually having to do work at work.

From a dumb phone to a smart phone.

From getting paid biweekly to getting paid every week (what a joy). 

...And until my first paycheck: From small amounts of cash flowing to not even enough nickels in my piggy bank to buy a cup of coffee.

From being a student, along with all of my best friends, to being at totally different places in life as my best friends.

From growing my garden to slowly watching it die as I get home from training exhausted and want to fall into bed, like the cucumber flowers are falling into their bed.

From Providence to Maine to Providence to San Diego to Providence to Buffalo to Providence.

All while keeping my identity in check, and thanking God that HE does not change. 

As you can see, it has been a busy summer, especially the past two weeks as I have traveled home and then came back and started training at my new job. The training has been going great, but I am fighting the urge to grow up and get to bed early. That makes me pretty sleepy this week. 

My desire to write has not died down, in fact I have about 5-10 blog posts in the works that I am DYING to write, and they include multiple book reviews, travel editorials, funny thoughts, theological pondering, and life contemplations.

I hope you understand and will be checking back often in the next few weeks!

What transitions have you been going through lately? 

Where am I

Where am I in the scheme of things?

My last class is August 8th. My last day of work at Johnson & Wales is August 12th.

Cant believe it really.

I need to find a job. I've put in applications at AAA, Collete Vacations, and Tillinger's Concierge. Last night I got a call about an interview at AAA! WHEWW Rock on. So that is this Wednesday. The position is part time Wednesday-Saturday, but hey, it is a foot in the door. 

Liz said to me yesterday "Remember when I met you last year and you told me that working at AAA would be your dream job?"  So that is pretty cool, and I pray that they think I am a great candidate!

This weekend I am going to San Diego California for a conference sponsored by the National Organization for Marriage. The conference is called "It Takes A Family to Raise a Village," and will be 3 days of lectures on defending traditional marriage from social and political standpoints. It is not supported by a specific "faith tradition" but more of an advocacy and educational organization. I was accepted to this conference and they are basically paying my way, which is dang great. 

While the conference is not affiliated with a specific religion, most people going are Mormon, Catholic, and Protestant, and from around the world. The goal is to equip young people to educate and defend marriage. They have already provided us with a ton of readings to do before the conference, which look rather intriguing.  I have some mixed feelings on this topic, and probably some ideas that are not popular among conservatives (I'm just not interested in America as a theocracy or inflicting nonplural ideology, is the gist of it), so I am interested to see what goes down. The conference takes place at Point Loma Naz University, and I will also have a day after the conference ends to explore. Not sure how that will work out, but I am excited to see the west coast!

There is so much to do in the next few days! Oh man I need to prepare.

The Electric Dream

Tossed and turning, the heat is the body bag holding me in captivity.
The fan whirs and cuts and chops the air but there is no release.

I tried to go to bed at a reasonable time, 10:30-ish these days, because 6am comes like a thief. Tonight, there was no hope for me in this kind of prison. Hello 1 am.

Maybe dreamland showed up, but obviously not for long.
I sit on the 2nd story balcony, listening to a strange electronica mix, and observe my baby cucumbers. I'm sure they revel in this kind of situation, begging for the bondage of the sun. I do not envy their lives.

The breeze tries making it's way around the hot enemy, but you can tell it is a fight this evening.
Ozone is thick, and I'm groggy because of it. Maybe also because my captor Chinese tortures me with exhaustion as well.

I read that there is an alligator in the Woonasquatucket River, just hanging out. With weather like this no wonder it is confused? Are we in the everglades on a summer day?

Electric and exciting dreams pulse through my mind. A cool mountain cabin in the cool forest far. Please let me dream of this sweet freeze for just a moment.

Balloons

Today on the 99 to Pawtucket via Main, the bus driver tried to take away my student identification card, because obviously I was trying to abuse the system. "No sir, but I AM still a student at JWU." And we all know that the only quarters I carry are for the clothes on my floor at home. So my internship awaits, dragon boats and all. Tomorrow there will be a few things to catch up on, including seeking out the seeker sensitive Dining Services. "So, why wont my card work again?"

This heat is killing me. 80s, 90s, and TODAY, whew.

I take refuge in the Johnson & Wales Downcity Library, central air, going centrally to my fried brain. It's great that Pandora can stalk my Facebook and give me some jams, but when was the last time I said the Pixies were something I liked? Ok now we are slammin' with some Yeahs x3 (dub mix, thanks).

Craigslist and Monster sound like the names of a creep and his pet snake, but even though I spend all my time at their house, dont worry mom. I'm hoping to get some money out of this deal. After all, I will be wild and free in less than a month and something has to pay the bills.

Oh, to be wild and free. The past 8 years, at least five streams of consciousness intertwine and get a little jummbled up. Kind of like the tangled strings of balloons by the handful. They are all still flying but it is a mess to separate and sell. A job, an education, a life, an internship that will educate me in real life to get a job, clubs, and three "what are your hobbies," contribute to this divided mind. Soon I can pop them all but my favorite colors and the birthday party theme will start to make sense.

My spanish midterm is tonight. Im not interested to die trying, but I will put up a weak fight. One more balloon to pop and string to cut. I can already start to sense the light start to focus.

A Mental Vacation

The past two weeks have been a glorious limbo of no class, easy work hours, and hanging out. It has in essence, been a much needed mental vacation. I've enjoyed sleeping in, and making a more delightful and very loose schedule.

For the first leg of this vacation, I took a little staycation with Gunther, a cool beagle friend of mine over on the East Side. We have been friends for a while and like to go on long walks, watch movies, and cuddle. In fact, this is him under the covers with his head on the pillow. Hilarious little guy.

For the next leg of the mental vacation I've done a bunch of random things in no particular order. The weather has been ridiculously hot, and I told Niki that I hope heaven is climate controlled (pleassseeee God?!) 

I decided to spend one night on a little solo midnight roadtrip. Originally I wanted to take some night photos of Providence from the East Bay, but alas, I forgot my memory card. So I ended up driving from East Providence to Pawtucket, Central Falls, and back into Providence. Just for fun. Discovered a lot of little nooks and crannies. Perfect.

Special indeed.

One night a few of us went over to Norm and Cheryl's house and made them dinner. They are an "eternally young" couple from our church. Below is Jake and Melissa cutting up the chicken for some sort of terriyaki pineapple concoction we cooked up. The fellowship with them is rich and full of hilarity and wisdom. At one point, Norm got on his Djembe and went to town to Spanish music. It was awesome. For dessert we had chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt and tons of fruit. It was a glorious refreshment to a sweltering evening!

Monday I had off from work. It was a disgusting 90-something degrees, humidity turned on full blast. I practically swam from my house to the car. I picked up my friend Eileen and we went to Colt State Park in Bristol, Rhode Island. It is right on the bay, it is beautiful, and has scenery like whoa. It is one of my favorite parks just because you can walk along the water and see all the sail boats. After that we had lunch at Panera and hit up Target, Home Depot, and Walmart. I bought some spray paint. 

Luxe Burger Bar has trivia night once a week, and we got a team together. Trivia night is fun because along with just grabbing some food, you have a great, automatic conversation carrier, team building, and hey- it's just something to do! We ended up in 3rd (or 4th?) place, I cant remember. But all I have to say is Milwaukee for the win! 

It has been great to have this kind of free time. It was great to hang out with people without being stressed out or having a crazy time limit. My brain has been able to just take a breather, get some extra sleep, not worry about deadlines of any kind. I can read a book now for pleasure? WHAT!? haha. 

Anyways, that's been my little mental vacation. 

What do you like to do to give yourself a mental break?

Where Am I?

Hi. Where am I? For the 21 people who follow this blog (Hi Mom!), I guess you might be wondering what the deal is. Surely I don't just NOT blog! 

Well, its been a crazy few weeks. My laptop broke (still dont have any answers to why). I took a trip to Washington DC with Sherita and Hannah. I have lost a roommate and gained a roommate. I've picked up a side job gardening for an elderly woman (10 bucks an hour YEA!). Ive been writing a book. Ive been continuing my internship at the travel agency.

Whewww. Bear with me.

If you are bored or something, here are some really awesome links I encourage you to check out:

-My friend Hannah's awesome blog CLICK HERE

-"30 Reasons Why Pastors Fail to Seek Counsel for Issues in Their Life" by the Acts29 Network. I thought it was great because not only is it relatable to pastors, but ALLL Christians. So take a gander and think about it. CLICK HERE

-"The Local Church: For Your Perseverance." A Desiring God post. Definitely interesting. CLICK HERE


Later gators!

I wish it were easier...

Dial-up internet is just a common place thing here. Except, dial-up internet is finicky and most websites just crap out after 20 minutes of trying to load. 


I wish it were easier to blog. 

When I get home from a really awesome day, sometimes I just want to share a really great picture that captures it all, but it wont upload.  


To be honest, every blog post Ive written in the past 3 months has been written and scheduled in 2-3 week blocks... whenever I have time to go to Mike's apartment and use his high speed, I go blog crazy, writing everything I can think of, and then scheduling the posts for weeks out. It makes my blog feel empty and useless, like I'm not really here. But I am, I promise. And I love you all for keeping up with me and commenting. 


I wish a lot of things about living in Russia were easier. The cost of a plane ticket. The distance to the USA. Finding peanut butter. Learning the language. Trying to be polite about eating dill fish soup.  Not knowing how people really think of you. Not having summer clothes when its 80 degrees out. Ministry.
 
But despite the hardships, my good God is sufficient. He has provided me with real lifelong friendships. He has provided me with food that sustains me. He has provided me with such special people that support me and pray for me. He has provided me with a cool breeze during the humid days. He has provided me with His word that brings new life and breath into my crusty old bones. He has provided me with a salvation that promises life and joy. He has provided me with a mouth to share, and He has provided me with love, so that I may love. 

Thank you for sticking with me. Soon I wont have to rely on the "schedule your blog" feature. 
God is good. 
-Alissa 

For Stephanieee =) Questions that Need Answers

So your blog isnt letting me post comments, so I figured that I would just write a little blog post for you addressing some of the questions you have. I am no scholar or super ridiculously smart person, so take my answers with a grain of salt, and if you have any more.. feel free to ask away.

So here is the question being asked. Im going to post it and think about it a little more before I say something. If anyone else is more able to respond at the moment or has anything to say, please comment.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? And if yes, why...?

Stephanie: you should check out this website.. its really interesting and helpful in multitudes of ways Boundless
Also, question for you: Who/what do you think plans out our lives?

Life Revelation.

Lately... Ive been feeling slightly, lack luster, in my passion for life. I think we all know that I am one intense passionate individual who will go after what I want until I get it, so this sort of disengaged attitude is unusual. I think with the past few months going by so quickly, I kind of put my whole self on auto pilot, not really tuning in with the world or the people around me, so focused on self preservation as I delt with some personal relationships that went awry, as well as the time encompassing internships that beat the crap out of me and sucked me dry. So its been a struggle to get back with the program.

But with this week slowing down, and giving me time to actually live life and be engaged, I have been able to do a lot of thinking and reading and praying about different things. Its awesome, and Im enjoying every second, feeling the passion slowly drip back into my veins. I feel much calmer about some things and truly satisfied with God, knowing that He knows what He's doing. One thing thats been especially on my mind lately is what I am going to be doing after I get this tourism degree. And today, I have had a revelation. Well.. its been a long time coming actually, and its one of those things that I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I really really really really really feel called to get a TESOL certification/degree (Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages) and teach English as a second language. Now you might be thinking, "whoa there Alissa." What in the world? Well, dont worry. Global Tourism Management fits right in, and its not like I have to drop out and lose everything Ive worked hard for here. This is more of a long term goal. Kinda like, Hey Im going to graduate JWU, and then go overseas for a few years (with E.L.I maybe?) while simulatneously getting my M.A. in Intercultural Studies & TESOL from Wheaton College. Or something to that effect. Haha. And then missions overseas or working internally? I kinda feel complelled to teach at an international christian school somewhere in the world. I am not sure yet. But its going to work out. No joke about it.

My life is like one puzzle piece after another, but they all end up fitting together as I start to see the bigger picture. Sometimes I wonder about whether or not JWU was the correct desicion, But then I snap out of it and realize Yes, this is where Im supposed to be, obviously. I would not have grown the way I have and learned key things if I had done something different.

Hold Up. So, I have a long way to go before this happens, and I have alot of prep work for myself to do. I want to get more involved with international students here on campus, as well as really asking others for prayer about this, and just other stuff. So, I feel like this is what God wants me to do, and I definitely have a passion for this in my heart. If He doesnt want me to do it, He needs to start closing doors and openning new ones in a different direction. I trust that He is faithful and has my best interests in mind.

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a
town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know
what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for
a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills,
we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All
such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do
it, for him it is sin." James 4:13-17

So you know what? My life is a vapor. I cannot boast in what I do not know, but Lord willing, we will see what happens.

Ohward Ho!
-Alissa-