The Providence of this Grief

Let me “quickly” share an observation on the wonderful intentionality of God's plan. While I would rather not speculate, I believe this is a valid observation. As some of you may or may not know, this past fall I was briefly dating a very nice guy. Most of the details are not very important at the moment, except what I’m about to share. God is sovereign, He knows all things, and He knows what is good and helpful for us. Close to the time we started dating, he had recently lost someone very close to him and was going through an intense season of grieving, praying, hoping, and trusting in God.

The topic of death had never quite arose in my life, and therefore I was pretty clueless. Well, being the supportive friend that I try to be, I spent a lot of time researching grief, death, mourning, how we cope, and how we glorify God through the process. Literally pouring over books, blogs, articles, the Bible, all so that I could care well and be a godly encouragement to him.  Many of our conversations were a process of honestly talking through what it meant to trust in God despite this heart breaking situation. I really respected his openness with me and I truly was blown away at how he desired even more so to remain faithful to Christ. We talked, thought, cried, (and sometimes laughed) through some of the crazy responses from the people around him who were also dealing with the situation, how people approached him or avoided him, the ridiculous claims people made about the afterlife, and the painful exasperation of hurting people. We also talked about what he was thinking, feeling, and wondering. As much as I was trying to just be helpful and supportive- I was learning even more- theologically, personally, and relationally.

During this brief relationship (we have long since parted ways due to some significant theological and life differences), my heart was broken (not by him) in a good way. If you know me, I might have been considered slightly "icey" in the past, and I'm sure that those tendencies remain, but God used this situation and this relationship to soften my heart, teach me a lot about compassion, and help me see that grieving is ok.

I have probably cried more in the past year than in the past 20 years of my life. 


Not that crying is some sort of pedestal landmark, but for me it is a real advancement to show emotion in such a visible way. It is a healthy and biblical thing in fact. The Bible, in Romans 12:15, literally says "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." When we are able to share the emotions of others, we offer a means of comfort and showing that we care. 

 

Last fall, I was also in a psychology course where we discussed the stages of grief and how people handle it. We learned that everyone deals with things differently, but that there are also common themes. These are called the Kubler-Ross model and include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kubler-Ross made it important to note that not everyone will work through these stages in a linear fashion, and that in fact, some might skip some of them totally. I've skipped a few of them totally and spent more time in some as opposed to others.

Isn't all of this so ironic? No.... Isn't it intentional? It's providential! Little did I know that less than 3 months later (exactly six months ago), my dad would unexpectedly die, surrounded by unfulfilled hope, pain, hurt, confusion, and unforgiveness.

Had I been newly confronted with the idea of grief and suffering at that point, I would have been practically incapable of wading through the mire, but God spent all fall preparing me for what was to come. I am sure that without this “training,” there would have been some sort of horrible faith and life crisis happening with me. But I was literally schooled on death so that when it ripped it’s way into my life, I would know how to handle it and how to biblically think through it.

Don’t get me wrong, there is no breezing through this situation. It continues to be difficult. It was heart breaking to lose my father. I didn’t think I was prepared. Guess what though, my dad dying is not some sort of "plan B" situation that caught God off guard. I know that God cares for me. I know that I must trust in Him, and that He does what is best. Through this situation, I have also learned so much more about how God is my perfect father.

 People told me that I should be cheerful that my dad is gone, that I should not be sad, he is in a better place perhaps! They said the same kinds of things to my friend, and we had conversations discussing that that isn’t necessarily the truth. Yes, for some there is peace in knowing that there is an after life. But death is not natural. It is a result of the fall of man into sin, it is a perversion of life and creation.


It is okay to mourn this unnatural situation, and realize that this is not how things are supposed to be.

We must realize that while we were all trapped in this unnatural sinful rebellion- God sent his son on a rescue mission to save us. He took the punishment that we deserve for this rebellion, and conquered sin and death so that we might live in freedom, freely relating to God as our father. Death is not the end.

We can make two choices in our life that will direct where we go after we die on earth. We can turn from our sin and place our faith in God, and we spend eternity with Him and his goodness. Or if someone rejects God, they spend eternity in a place that equals out to everything "not good," in fact, horrific pain and evil. This is justice. A crime against an infinite God demands infinite punishment. In his love he provided his son to take our place in the court room, and if we reject this love- we get the just punishment. Friends, accept God’s lavish love. I wish I knew if my dad had.

 I can ask "why did God let my father die," until the cows come home.  But the answer is really: God, why have you allowed rebellious human beings who are born despising you, to live so long? Because of our sin, we deserve death. God is gracious. He gives us the chance for life. He knows what is good for us, and what will cause us to grow. He knows what will bring Himself glory. In His sovereignty, God was gracious to order my life in a way that persevered me in glorifying Himself. 

Next time you go through a situation and you think "what was the point of that (relationship, situation, hurt, class, etc)?" Just think, a short relationship that taught me about grief, it was God's wonderful gracious providence. I am thankful.

Rethink Voluntourism

For the whole trimester, I have been trying to come up with a topic to research for a large year end Sociology project. At first I had all these crazy ideas about topics that had nothing to do with anything. Then my wonderful mom said "Why don't you just do a topic that has to do with your major? You like that stuff." Shazaamwow, an idea was born.

"The Effects of Symbolism in Voluntourism." I don't really know how I came up with it, but the basic premise is that in voluntourism (volunteer tourism) there is a lot of incorrect symbolism, which negatively (and I am reluctant to say, but positively as well) affects other cultures.

Symbolism is a sociological term, and it is just what you think it is, when we see something and take it to represent a larger thing. 

I started my project off by asking people what they thought of when they thought of Las Vegas. Obviously everyone thinks of gambling, sex, drugs, etc. Perfect, as that is the marketed symbol. They want you to think that. But did you know that Vegas has a growing homeless rate? That it has a large elderly population? That it has a unique historical heritage? Then I asked what people thought of when they thought "Africa." Safaris, poverty, hunger, orphans. -Wow, what symbols. 
  

We often create symbols in voluntourism that benefit us, that assuage our guilt, that don't really encompass the reality of the situation, or provide long term sustainable growth for those we intend to "help." We think "I need to go build a church in Mexico." Or "I need to donate all these old clothes to poor naked African children." 

 I found this great example from Vagabondish that goes as follows:

"You would think that donating old clothing to poor African communities would be a good thing, right. You give the clothes to your church group, a local tailor makes any necessary repairs, and the duds are shipped off to the naked people of Africa. I mean – they’d be naked if they didn’t have our clothes, right? Wrong. Instead, local African tailors are put out of business, because people can get their clothes for free from donation shipments. Local economies suffer, the local tailors eventually die, and their skills die with them, since there is no need for a tailor in the community."

What if instead of wasting money traveling down to Mexico to build a church, you give that job to someone who needs it. Send money or building materials down there. Let a local man get paid to do his job and support his family. Unless you are a trained contractor, do not think that your American church building skills are any better than his, and don't think you are doing some grandiose heavenly favor. 

In the rest of my project, I just discuss some other issues with how our interpretations of a voluntourism destination can be both hurtful, and sometimes helpful. 

As a Christian, I am called to help others in need, and I think there are legitimate times when it is good to give  freely, (you know- times of war, plague, disaster etc).  

But in order for volunteer work to be helpful we have to think about the bigger, long term, sustainable picture. We want to not only give a man a fish, but we want to teach him how to fish. Maybe instead of throwing my crappy donations at the problem, or doing a job we are not trained to do- We can teach. We can empower. We can finance. We can provide resources.

Volunteering isn't bad. But we have to check out our motives, goals, and the reality of the situation.      

 My professor told me "great presentation on a unique topic with a functional perspective on the consequences of these programs as they ripple through global cultures." So hopefully I get an A on that :)

Thoughts? Do you agree? Do you think we should just give freely without concern? Should we rethink charity or a donations system? Does this apply to any other industry (perhaps food banks? or clothing drives?)

A Mental Vacation

The past two weeks have been a glorious limbo of no class, easy work hours, and hanging out. It has in essence, been a much needed mental vacation. I've enjoyed sleeping in, and making a more delightful and very loose schedule.

For the first leg of this vacation, I took a little staycation with Gunther, a cool beagle friend of mine over on the East Side. We have been friends for a while and like to go on long walks, watch movies, and cuddle. In fact, this is him under the covers with his head on the pillow. Hilarious little guy.

For the next leg of the mental vacation I've done a bunch of random things in no particular order. The weather has been ridiculously hot, and I told Niki that I hope heaven is climate controlled (pleassseeee God?!) 

I decided to spend one night on a little solo midnight roadtrip. Originally I wanted to take some night photos of Providence from the East Bay, but alas, I forgot my memory card. So I ended up driving from East Providence to Pawtucket, Central Falls, and back into Providence. Just for fun. Discovered a lot of little nooks and crannies. Perfect.

Special indeed.

One night a few of us went over to Norm and Cheryl's house and made them dinner. They are an "eternally young" couple from our church. Below is Jake and Melissa cutting up the chicken for some sort of terriyaki pineapple concoction we cooked up. The fellowship with them is rich and full of hilarity and wisdom. At one point, Norm got on his Djembe and went to town to Spanish music. It was awesome. For dessert we had chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt and tons of fruit. It was a glorious refreshment to a sweltering evening!

Monday I had off from work. It was a disgusting 90-something degrees, humidity turned on full blast. I practically swam from my house to the car. I picked up my friend Eileen and we went to Colt State Park in Bristol, Rhode Island. It is right on the bay, it is beautiful, and has scenery like whoa. It is one of my favorite parks just because you can walk along the water and see all the sail boats. After that we had lunch at Panera and hit up Target, Home Depot, and Walmart. I bought some spray paint. 

Luxe Burger Bar has trivia night once a week, and we got a team together. Trivia night is fun because along with just grabbing some food, you have a great, automatic conversation carrier, team building, and hey- it's just something to do! We ended up in 3rd (or 4th?) place, I cant remember. But all I have to say is Milwaukee for the win! 

It has been great to have this kind of free time. It was great to hang out with people without being stressed out or having a crazy time limit. My brain has been able to just take a breather, get some extra sleep, not worry about deadlines of any kind. I can read a book now for pleasure? WHAT!? haha. 

Anyways, that's been my little mental vacation. 

What do you like to do to give yourself a mental break?

Graduation Weekend

A few exciting and nerve wrecking things happened this weekend.

First, for the exciting! My mom and her husband as well as my grandparents came down to RI to celebrate my graduation! It was a delight to have everyone in the same place, as that rarely happens. We spent some time frolicking around town.

Friday we went out to dinner at the delicious Governor Francis Inn in Warwick, RI. It is one of the first restaurants in RI that we ate at four years ago, thanks to the recommendation from a man in a parking lot. It's almost symbolic or something. I recommend this place if you are in the area. Lobster, steak, reasonable prices, yes!  We wanted to go somewhere out of the immediate Providence area, simply because of the amount of graduation related people clogging up every Providence nook and cranny.

Saturday was the graduation. There were so many people! I kind of tear up at the thought of never seeing these people again (even if I'm not directly friends with them, it still feels like I know them!).

 They kept us holed up for about 45 minutes in the back of the Dunkin Donuts, and it was kind of gross and sweaty, but finally we made it into the main room and the anticipation was incredible. I can't believe that four years later, I am a college graduate! All the hard work, all the essays, phone calls home, field trips, friends... tuition, haha. The commencement speaker was the guy who rediscovered White Zinfandel wine. It was pretty cool.

After graduation, we grabbed lunch, went shopping at the Christmas Tree Shop, took a nap, and decided to head to Oakland Beach. I guess we didn't realize how cold and windy it would be by the water, because it was quite brisk. We took cover in Marley's On the Beach and sat by the big windows to watch the water. Good times as the sun set, the sail boats passed by, and the brownie sundaes were ordered... (delicious by the way!)

My mom and her husband left early the next morning, but my grandparents stuck around until the next afternoon. They came to church with me, and then we went to T's in Cranston for brunch - another place I recommend if you understand that a wait means that the food must be good :P

Now, the nerve wrecking things that happened. Well for starters, my car didn't pass inspection. The car that I've had less than a month. It was a surprise because it was just inspected in NY less than 6 months ago, but we figure the inspection must have been "bought" if you know what I mean. The cost to repair is greater than the actual cost itself, so I am going to basically sell it off to a junk place. It is pretty sad, actually, horrible. I did everything I could to bless others with it, and not turn it into an idol. I waited and prayed for 4 long years while riding psychotic RIPTA. What a waste. Sigh. The only thing keeping me from being devastated is the fact that I know God is sovereign, and he loves me, and everything is for my good and his glory. Surely He knows whats up, and I know He is still on "plan A."

The second thing, and the most ironic thing of all. At the time of graduation, I did not actually know my grades. I was confidant about passing all but one class, Statistics. This class has been my plague for 2 years, and if I didn't pass then I didn't graduate. So I went into graduation not knowing how I did. Thankfully, last night,  I finally found out that I PASSED Stats! So many people helped me study and prayed for me, and I know that God  has grace on his little girl that just is horrible at hypothesis based theories!!!!

Well, that about sums up my past weekend. What a crazy time.

Trust. Rescue. Abba.

I wrote this poem tonight because I'm struggling with trusting in God as my father. 

When my heart struggles to trust, I must ask God to help me and rescue me from myself.

Abba, Please

by Alissa Graham

Grant me help to be your daughter

though I struggle with the concept of father.

You are loving, kind, and good

and in you, evil, my heart withstood.

Grant me divine eyes to see

that you haven't really given me

a rock though I asked for bread,

or a snake rather than a fish, though I pled.

Grant me grace to trust in You

when I cant fully understand the truth.

When I misread the rose for the thorn,

the gospel is what I must adorn.

Grant me peace among this rocky sea

that this peace shall quell the unease.

When I lack and have nothing that will tide

help me look to you to provide.

Grant me forgiveness, as you know I will fail;

Your loving sacrifice was the perfect bale.

When I waver from the foundation-

Abba, please, persevere me for the duration.

Graduating, Done, Almost, Calluses?

I'm sitting at my desk in the JWU University Information Center and thinking about the fact that I currently have no homework, no tests to study for, no essays or field trips. Oh my. This week I crammed my hardest for Statistics (probably a good 6 hours or more), wrote up my finals, turned them in, and here I sit, at the end.

Ideally I graduate this Saturday with a Bachelors degree in Global Tourism Management with a concentration in Entrepreneurship. Of course I have two more classes to take this summer, but this basically marks the end of my college career.

On the way to Freshmen Orientation, 2007

Four years at Johnson & Wales, in Providence Rhode Island. Three years of being involved in Christian Student Fellowship. Two years of working in the UIC. One dorm and two apartments later. One gospel centered church. Many an adventure. Many good relationships, and some not so good ones. Innumerable opportunities for learning about tourism. Russia. Greece. Blackstone Valley. AAA. T.F. Green. Wow. And now I have a CAR! And so many people to thank.

Who would have thought I would be here, doing this!

My friend said that graduation feels like "they are kicking him out," and I kind of feel the same way. I'd rather not leave, haha.

There might be some denial going on (actually kind of a lot). But I look forward, and I am nervous and scared, yet excited.

Travel Practicum in Greece, 2009

I read a blog yesterday where a commencement speaker "told the graduates that they had developed calluses from all the hard work of studying, and he charged them not to let those calluses get soft." 


I do not want to loose the calluses from learning. Of course I am graduating, but just because I am in the "real world" (what a crappy term, by the way), doesn't mean that I cant learn, in fact I'm diving into an even larger, radical learning experience. 


The Future?
My plans include to stay in Providence for another year at least. I am moving in to a house next month with three sweet girls from the Christian Student Fellowship. I am going to apply to a bunch of places, including AAA and Liberty Travel. I want to work in the Travel/Hospitality industry, but I will take whatever job will pay the bills. (So if you know of a place that is hiring..!) I'll continue to be a part of the body at Grace Harbor Community Church, and probably be involved to some extent next year with the student fellowship. I hope to amp up my travel, local, and theology writing- submitting to various publications with the hope of being published more (and getting paid?). I would also love to travel more -- we will see how that pans out.. but Seattle? Iceland? mmhmm :)  

The future is quite uncertain. Thankfully I serve a God who is very certain.

If you could pray that I trust God on this new path and that I wont choose a "known pain, instead of an unknown joy."

Thanks for reading.

Any tips on life after college? 

If you graduated from college, what kinds of feelings did you experience?

Thoughts on Grief: Don't Do That To Me

 I thought this excerpt very helpful out of a very helpful article by Robyn Huck, Grief Diary 4: "Meltdown in the Produce Aisle."  She is talking about an "artichoke meltdown."  I've had one of those before, maybe not with artichokes, but more like a "car oil meltdown." haha.

If I were to come to you for counsel, what would you do? Are you going to pull out a book on “stages” of grief and tell me that I’m fitting some standard pattern and will “get over” it in 1 to 4 years? Or will you be concerned that I’ve seemed to skip a step or two? Please don’t do that to me. 

Instead, explore the specifics of my sorrow, my fear, and my longing—with me. Let this be a time of growth and enrichment. Because you, dear Christian, have the very best answers to these feelings that anyone can give. But you will also know not to rush to answers. First, you weep with those who weep. I am vulnerable right now, and I am sharing very deep things with you. Don’t rush. 

There are big fat categories of typical responses to grief that my experience does fit into. But if you counsel me in generalities, checking off boxes on a prefab list, you’re not going to be a lot of help to me. Certainly, I do want to hear that I’m not crazy, and I might need to be reminded that everyone experiences grief in their lives, but I don’t want to be lost in check-lists or categories. Treat me as an individual, because I’m hurting and feeling very alone. Generalities will make me lonelier. 

But once you know me well, telling me how I personally fit into the bigger picture of life is not speaking generalities. It’s helping me make sense of what I’m feeling.

The plain fact is, living in this world hurts. And as Ecclesiastes teaches, it makes no sense without the knowledge of God to anchor our experience into his plan. We need to see each enjoyable moment, each glimpse of beauty, each smile, each sunrise as a gift from Him.

Check out the whole article though. It's worth it.

Why he HAS to be a Member

I used to work with a graphic designer who was semi in charge of recruiting other graphic designers to hire. One time I remember asking him what he was looking for in consideration of the open position. "Oh," he said,  "creativity, responsibility, they have to be fun, and they HAVE to be a member of AIGA."  (AIGA is a professional association for design)

I inquired further. Why do you say that? Why do they need to be a member of AIGA?

"Because a serious graphic designer is a member of AIGA. It helps them grow as a designer, it is beneficial for networking and professional growth, and it gives them some level of credibility. If they are a for real designer, they are a member."

This story always comes to mind when people ask me what I look for in a potential husband. I say, "He must be creative, responsible, fun.. Oh and he HAS to be a member of a local church."  If he is serious about his faith, one way I will know that is by his commitment to a local body of believers.

Motte Brown did a great little Article over on Marry Well on why being a member of a local church can help you on the path to marriage. Some of the things he talks about in the article are the "benefits" of this membership. They include growing in spiritual maturity, practiced commitment, spiritual compatibility, built in opportunities to serve others, and near instant credibility. I would also want to add in accountability and support. You know this person is learning to submit their lives to Christ, and that is an important quality to grow in as one prepares for marriage/is married.

Members of AIGA learn more about design ethics and how to improve their skills. They go to conferences to learn more and give input on each others design, there is mentorship, and using their talents to help the community.

 Christians need to learn more about their faith and how to implement the gospel. We need support, mentorship, and outreach. But not only do we need to join the church for these reasons, we need to join because it is the example set forth in the Bible as a reflection of the Gospel.

If the terminology is new or confuses you, here are some very helpful resources on the topic of church membership. I've included a short clip from the guys over at 9marks that talks a little bit about what it means:


6-Membership from 9Marks on Vimeo.


What do you think? Is church membership one of your qualifications for a potential spouse? If you are already married, was it a qualification? Why or why not?

Downcity Delights: Tazza

My roommate and I have been taking a culinary tour of new (or kind of new) restaurants in the Downcity area of Providence. Wednesday I tend to get out of work a little early before class and we both just happened to be around, so why not?!!

 Our first adventure was Tazza Caffe. They describe themselves as "[a] combination of the qualities of a traditional espresso bar with a funky atmosphere and placing it all in the center of Providence's Arts and Entertainment District."

My roommate is a longtime fan of Tazza- I am a more recent convert. Their ice coffee enamored, Open Mic Night rocked out, love "Movies on the Block," and it was a cool place to just go and hang out (unless you are going with a friend and they light the candle thinking you are on a date, but that is another story for another day).

THEN. Tazza renovated. Whatever is there now, is not the same Tazza. It is new, it is steely and modern. No more comfy couch atmosphere. I cant see a place for music or performances. (Is there a secret back room that I missed?)

My roommate and I were saying that if we hadn't known Tazza before and had stumbled across this place, we would totally love and embrace it- but since we know the old, it's going to be a struggle to come to love the new Tazza. I cant imagine just going there to grab some coffee and hang out with friends, write a paper .... But oh my, what a delightful surprise: the food is DELICIOUS (not that it wasn't before, but WOW!)

I had the Vegetarian Tomato Bisque with parmesan croutons, grilled chicken panino, and hand crafted fries. My roommate had the margarita pizza. Both were delicious. Check out the menu here. I am dying to try their local ceviche, and the pork shoulder taco sounds divine!

Lunch was around $11 (including tip). For a poor college student it is a little pricey, but in my opinion it is worth the random (or planned) splurge.

In conclusion: there will probably be another visit. While it is a change to get used to, their new renovation is probably more geared toward their target market and the layout makes more sense.

 So I forgive you Tazza.  

Have you been there since the big renovation? Thoughts?

Tour Blackstone Valley

This past weekend I participated as a volunteer assistant tour guide with Tour Blackstone Valley. This is an annual event that seeks to get native Rhode Islanders out of their bubble and out into a new area to experience and learn. In past years, it was called "TourRI" and there were upwards of 26 different tour packages that could be chosen. This year because of whatever reason, it was only the Blackstone Valley that participated, and there were only 7 tours. Two years ago I volunteered and went on the Block Island tour. It was pretty awesome.

This year my tour was "The Blackstone Valley Sampler," and we were able to visit some various sights across the valley. As the assistant tour guide, I made sure that everyone was on the bus, given their gift bags, had any questions answered, got the right lunch, and received the information packets. We had about 38 tour participants on my tour this year.

The first stop was High-On-A-Hill Herb Farm. It is a lovely farm in the middle of North Smithfield. They grow many herbs, keep bees, have a kennel, and offer various educational classes through the year. They were kind enough to offer us snacks of delicious home made muffins and tea. Then we sat for a short presentation on bee keeping that was fascinating! I never knew that bee keeping was so involved. It was a great stop, and everyone enjoyed being outside for the lovely weather.

Our second stop was to the St. Ann Arts and Cultural Center in Woonsocket, RI. This is the home to the largest collection of fresco paintings in North America, and is also known as the "Sistene Chapel of America." We had a tour of the building and they explained the history. The coolest thing was that all the faces in the paintings are modeled after real people who were members of the church at the time. It was quite a beautiful place.

The third stop was the Woonsocket Museum of Work and Culture. (At this point I am almost starting to become enamored with Woonsocket. But dont tell anyone about that.) Anyway, this museum focused on the immigration of the French Canadians into Woonsocket and the industries that resulted. Who knew it would be so interesting? It seemed like a great place for kids and adults alike.

Next we went to a historical "Stone Ender" built in the 1700's in Lincoln, RI. Having never heard that term before, I was intrigued. As we approached the Valentine Whitman House, I could see the reason behind its name. The whole end of the house was made out of stone. There is some historical significance to this, but I think you will have to visit the house to learn more :)

Our last stop of the tour was The Captain Wilbur Kelly House, situated by a preserved section of the historic Blackstone Canal Tow Path in the Village of Ashton (Cumberland/Lincoln Line). I loved learning about how the canal was built (I love canals, after all I am from Lockport NY- a canal lovers haven!). We were given a tour by one of Rhode Island's leading historians. Then we walked through the house and looked at all the displays. Good stuff!

We finished the tour around 4pm and headed back to the home base. The day was extremely fun and I learned so much. The tour guide for our trip was awesome, I met so many wonderful people, explored cool places in RI, and loved the experience of "working the tour."