As I shuffled through piles of spiral bound notebooks on my shelf, looking for one with the perfect amount of empty pages to capture any thoughts I could possibly have, a rough looking one caught my attention. Dated almost a decade ago, it appeared to be a journal from high school yesteryear. I shoved it in my purse next to some books that I thought would provoke note taking, and headed downcity to get some reading done.
Of course I pulled the blue notebook out first, pages filed with the scribbles of my 14 year old self. The first few pages were full of the typicalities of that year. Directions on making the perfect duct tape messenger bag and a long list of inspirational quotes, including: "I have learned a lesson from all the lessons I have learned." (How inspirational, yeah?)
Reading further in, one specific entry caught my eye and made me think. It talked about a recent purchase that I had made. Essentially, I had always wanted a corduroy jacket. Apparently that was the style for high school freshman in 2003 (or something). Well, I found one at the local BonTon (imagine JCPenney and Bed Bath and Beyond combined into one store), it was green and calling my name, so I bought it. For $32. Perfect right? Well, it was a boys jacket and it fit, except not really (stupid girl hips). But I had a gift card! I still remember it to this day, and wonder why in the heavens my mom let me do that.
I was prompted to text my mom asking her if she remembered the situation, which she indeed did. She said that she wondered about my ability to get what I want because I want it and then figure out how to make it work, as if it were some magical strength. (I do recall wearing it a few times, though it was a tight in awkward places and loose in awkward places).
While my ability to get what I want and make it work seems like a strength in some perspectives- I think I see it differently- almost as a weakness that I end up having to jerry rig. Could I have found a jacket that actually fit and looked somewhat decent? Probably! Had I just held on for a little longer and looked around a little more, surely there would have been a "stylish," (green), (womens) corduroy jacket with my name blazed across it. Impatiently, I took the first thing that seemed to resemble what I want.
Curiously, I wonder if this reflects a deeper attitude in my life.
Not to infer that a bad fashion choice as a 14 year old reflects my adult life choices, but maybe.
Do I want something and then take the first thing that even slightly resembles it? Or do I trust in God to provide what most glorifies Him, and wait for timing that might be alternative to mine? Sigh. This question cuts into my soul with a heavy, dull, but quite relevant knife.
At the moment, answers allude me, and this post might be drowning in over-processed mire. It is almost midnight after all.
Do you have any answers or thoughts?