Yours, Mine, and Ours

"Colleen North: Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I'm being ridiculous and I don't love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?

Frank Beardsley: You're not being ridiculous. 

Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.

Helen North: What are you two talking about?


Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother. (mother is about to give birth to her 9th child.)


Helen North: Not now!


Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.

Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts."

From the 1968 version of "Yours, Mine, and Ours," with Lucille Ball. I just thought this was a helpful little quote :)

It Takes a Family [Day Three & Four]

See ITAF Recap Days 1-2 HERE

Day Three

Day Three had four more lectures, and would be our last day to absorb all that we possibly could from such knowledgeable resources.

Bill Duncan gave a lecture on “The Law of Marriage and Parenthood.” We learned about the legal transformation of parenthood, the default definitions and how the norm was being questioned and challenged. Bill did a great job of showing us some court cases that sought to redefine what it means to be a parent and how it belittles the needs of children, often putting them in harmful situations. We looked at cases in which abusers ended up with custody, and how children were treated more like consumer goods than blessed biological responsibilities.

Brad Wilcox spoke on “Marriage, The Gold Standard for Children: An International Perspective from the Social Sciences.” It was eye opening to see how cultures around the world are doing with this redefinition of family and marriage. Most of them are not excelling with such ideology, and he pointed out that it is the “elite wisdom” of the rich and famous that ends up trickling down and mostly affecting the poorer, lower classes with the most tragedy.  He showed us statistics from Europe to South America of how children in “broken” homes are more likely to experience negative outcomes such as depression, failure to complete education, and feeling distressed.  Through the information and research provided, it is clear that we must support traditional marriage if for no other reason than the hope of our children.

“The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Key Issues,” presented by Robert Gagnon was a refreshing and challenging take on what how the bible holistically discusses homosexuality.  Going through the Bible from beginning to end, he touched on three main arguments including Paul’s ignorance, and fear of upsetting male dominance- which after discussing we see there are no historical possibilities of these being true arguments.

Our last lecture came from Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, speaking on “It Takes A Family to Raise a Village.” She was very straightforward in describing what we are going against in this fight for marriage. Mostly, the “Condomists” and their disregard of biology in favor of poor ideology, pushing contraception as the ideal method of promoting recreational, sterile, amoral sex (an impossible way to view sex in reality). She showed us how this viewpoint is neither sustainable nor economical. Her last challenge to us for the weekend was for us to 1. Keep the Faith, 2. Inform ourselves, 3. Speak Out, and 4. Show up (KISS). We need to get past differences and work towards intelligently understanding and educating on this issue.

At the end of the night, we had a time of hearing from other students and discussing issues on identifying and addressing the needs in order to win this battle for our families. It was a very encouraging hearing from other students and the movements (big or small) on their campuses and in their communities. Some of them showed tremendous amounts of courage and fought for what is right.

“Frightened hearts have perfect skin, courageous hearts are wounded.” –Cambodian proverb.

We dismissed for the evening, which was a sad moment. We had become a sort of family ourselves, and when you go through such intense training with a like minded group of people, the camaraderie becomes deep. You see that while you might be alone in your part of the country or campus, on a grand scheme, there are others in the same boat as you. This feeling of being together with people who understand, it is priceless.

The next day, Sunday, Dr J invited students to come hang out at a boat club on Mission Bay while we wait for our planes. It was such a great afternoon, and I couldnt grasp the wonderful hospitality! I loved it.

That night I spent at a hostel in downtown San Diego, which was pretty cool, and pretty small. The roommate that I met was this crazy German girl who was fired from her au paire job, which is awkward, but ok. She had crazy hair. 

Monday morning, I hopped on the bus and headed to the airport. Long flight later to Boston, and early morning drive to Providence, and I was back.  

Before this weekend, I would have balked at common arguments against the purpose of one man and one woman coming together in marriage for procreation and protection. I would have been hesitant to join in certain conversations. Now after sitting under such good teaching, I feel prepared and equipped to dive right in as someone intelligently informed. I have met people who have challenged and encouraged, exhorted, and admonished me towards understanding and truth.

Leaving San Diego was a sad time, but it comes with much hope. We can win this. If we fight for truth, we can save our families.

It Takes a Family [Day One & Two]

Last weekend I got on a plane (after a crazy 4am drive to Boston) and hit the air to San Diego California.

I hardly knew what exactly I was getting myself into. All I knew was that I was going to a conference that had something to do with marriage.

Little did I know that I would learn so much from nationally known speakers, make some great friends from across the country, and become equipped to fully enter the discussion on the importance of one man and one woman marrying for life.

Here is a brief overview of my experiences.

The Ruth Institute is a sub-organization, or project, of the National Organization for Marriage. It promotes "marriage between one man and one woman as the ideal for family and childbearing" and mostly works on educating, informing, and discussing on all topics related, such as family law, redefining marriage, same sex marriage, etc. It is supported by proponents of such ideals, including those from various "faith traditions." The student conference "It Takes a Family to Raise a Village" is for further educating and connecting young adult leaders who are passionate about leading the way in the fight for the "gold standard" of marriage.

This conference was a place to learn how to defend marriage from a political, economical, social, biological standpoint.

Arriving at 11am Thursday morning, a few of us hopped in a cab to Point Loma Nazarene University (situated ohh... five seconds from the Pacific). Being early, we decided to take a walk and find lunch. We stumbled upon seafood counter right on the water called Point Loma Seafood, serving up everything fresh and delicious. Heading back to the university we settled in our dorms (or shall I say ocean view suite's), got changed, and then went to the opening reception to mingle.

Hearing from Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, Founder of The Ruth Institute, we were challenged "Defending Marriage: Three Problems that Can't Be Solved With a Political Campaign." We also heard some student leaders from around the country who are making an impact on their campuses, sometimes in an uphill battle against universities trying to quell free speech.. It was awesome. The Ruth Institute is also putting on a contest called "The Reel Love Challenge" for students to make a video about what makes "life long married love possible."

Day Two consisted of four lectures throughout the day. We started off the day reminding ourselves that we were in sunny and beautiful San Diego! The sessions were lead by an intellectual group of nationally known professionals in their respected fields.

Bill Duncan, President of The Marriage Law Foundation, spoke on "Defining Marriage and the Law." He explained how the laws of marriage and parenthood interact with each other. We learned that:

·         marriage is easier to get out of than a cell phone contract

·         the political history of marriage law 

·         including the 1970's protest movement

·         the court case in Hawaii in the 1900's

·         and the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996

 He also discussed the legal arguments and political framing surrounding the issue, and that the real essential for marriage is simply a public recognition of a couple to join together for the protection of children.

Brad Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia, gave a lecture entitled "What Goes Into a Successful Courtship and Marriage." He brought up information about the pitfalls of cohabitation, points about the need for society to encourage healthy dating and relating so that marriages will be healthy, and that oftentimes young people are encouraged toward career and education, but not family life. I thought it was interesting because, well, I totally agree! He also said that "Marriage is the institution that virtually every culture has used to ensure that children get the material, emotional, social, and spiritual support of their mother and father, and that marriage is essential for men and women to order their desires for emotion."


Robert Gagnon, Associate Professor of New Testament at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, spoke on "Jesus and Marriage," bringing forth truths and wisdom from a Biblical perspective, and how Jesus always brought things back to a "Creation Model," emphasizing the twoness of a sexual bond which prohibits a revolving door of divorce. The conference was not explicitly religious, but most there were from a "faith background."


Dr. Freda Bush, senior partner with East Lakeland OB-GYN Associates in Jackson, Mississippi, and a Clinical Instructor in the Department of OB-GYN and Department of Family Medicine at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, spoke on "Frogs, Frags, and Friends: The Hormonal, Emotional, and Physical Impacts of Casual Sex." This was super interested because she literally went through different hormones in the brain such as Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Pheromones, Serotonin and how the brain releases them, connects to certain behaviors, and trigger "trust" circuits. She presented things from a very fascinating medical viewpoint, which often is not  considered.
     

    

We then had a faculty panel discussing "Campus Sexuality, Relationships, and Changing Culture." I was so encouraged by hearing from the faculty (listed above), and from fellow young adult leaders. There are some crazy shenanigans going on college campuses all over the world, but I am challenged to know there are others in the fight.


That night, after battling jetlag, most of us passed out early, but with full brains. 




*It Takes A Family [Day Three & Four] Here

Quotes on Marriage

A friend lent me her copy of "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. (subtitle: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy) I enjoy reading books about marriage, because even though I'm not married or anywhere close to being married (though I'd love to be married), there are a lot of take aways and applications about such things like: loving one another, church membership, friendship, priorities, and how we relate to God. (Not to mention great insights into the purpose and intention of marriage.)

I am digging this book so far (and think you should read it.) At the beginning of each chapter there are great quotes. So I thought I would share some of them with you:

"Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, in infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate." - WH Auden.

"Marriage is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature." Katherine Anne Porter

"Marriage requires radical commitment to love our spouses as they are, while longing for them to become what they are not yet. Every marriage moves either towards enhancing one another's glory or toward degrading each other."-Dan Elexander and Tremper Longmann III

"If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become the bigger and better man." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"We must never be naive enough to think of marriage as a safe harbor from the fall... The deepest struggles of life will occur in the most primary relationship affected by the fall: marriage." -Dan Alexander and Tremper Longman III

"A magnificent marriage begins not with knowing one another but with knowing God." -Gary and Betsy Ricucci

What do you think?

Marriage is a Hospital: And Other Lessons on Married Life from Martin Luther

I love Martin Luther and what he has to say on marriage. So do the guys over at The Resurgence, which have been host to a series solely dedicated to Luther and holy matrimony which I have been enjoying incredibly. This article by Justin Taylor, titled 4 Lessons from Luther on Married Life stood out to me quite a bit so I thought, "Nows the time!" (to share a little tidbit of course.)

No marriage seminars will tell you this, but Luther will: marriage is like a hospital. You won’t find the metaphor understandable or appealing until you realize that you are sick and that you need to be healed. Here’s how Luther put it:
The temptation of the flesh has become so strong and consuming that marriage may be likened to a hospital for incurables which prevents inmates from falling into graver sins.

Luther biographer Roland Bainton picks up another metaphor in his writings:

"After his own marriage Luther’s tone shifted to a stress upon the home as a school for character. It is the area where the Christian virtues find their readiest exemplification, and, whereas in Catholicism monasticism is the sphere for the cultivation of the counsels of perfection, in Protestantism the home is as it were a functional substitute."

Both metaphors—a school and a hospital—signal the important role of marriage as an agent of sanctification and rehabilitation. Our selfishness and pride are exposed. And if we respond in God-honoring humility, marriage can be used by God to cleanse us of our sin. The shift away from the monastic metaphor is also significant, for it signifies that marriage is never a purely private affair. Christian marriage is not to be of the world, but it must certainly be in the world.

Amen, Luther, Amen. (Like I even know)

Check out others in the series:

• Luther: The 40-Year-Old Virgin?
• When Martin Met Katie
• The Original Lutheran Marriage: Love and Marriage Aren’t Always Like a Horse and Carriage
• The Luthers' Marriage

"About Love, or, Why I Hate Attraction."

I love CCEF (Christian Counseling and Education Foundation). I literally aim to read all of their books, blogs, booklets, web content, and heck I would go to their school if I lived in Philly. They are legit, bible based, gospel oriented, and rock solid. And so I figured I would share the love.

Ed Welch recently wrote an article titled "About Love, or, Why I Hate Attraction," and its super interesting. If you have been around me for more than 231431 minutes, you will know how I stand on relationships and attraction. No, I DO NOT hate attraction, and I am NOT some sort of crazy prudish love hater.

I just think the role that so many people place attraction in, the center role usually- well, needs to be rethought a little bit.
I IMPLORE you to read the whole article. Click the title below.

About Love, Or, Why I Hate Attraction: by Ed Welch

Here is a tasty tidbit:

"Attraction is fun, and in Western systems of courtship and marriage, it is the way couples get started, but attraction is about me. It’s about how someone makes me feel. In that sense, attraction is rubbish. It gets people together but it is powerless to keep them together. Even more, attraction, without the addition of other forms of love, promises to separate marriages and any once-close relationship."

Amen brother, and I would possibly go so far to say that this kind of love should be adapted and applied to all Christian relationships. Example, are we "attracted" to your friends, because they can do something for us? Are we "attracted" to our church because of how it serves our "needs"? Or are we loving like Christ has called us to?


Thoughts?

Blessings of Singleness?

So I stumbled upon this series on "Singleness Suffering," and I just "couldn't put it down." I've compiled it and hope you too can benefit from some of the interesting and powerful perspectives. Some of the titles confused me, I mean come on, a blessing of singleness to be loneliness? But you will understand by the end, and certain attitudes will definitely be challenged.

 Let me know what you think if you happen to read any of them. Under the link there are little clips to peak your interest :)    Enjoy...

Blessings of Singleness#1: Loneliness

 "...Loneliness is rooted in the pain of never feeling truly known; not having anyone who shares my deepest fears, dreams or longings.  And the fraudulent reality that singles sometimes believe is that no one has even attempted to know us.  We feel alone in decisions.  We feel alone in our fears.  We feel alone in our dreams.  The weird thing about singleness is that no one is supposed to know us in the deepest ways.  I am in a season of life where God has declared that no mortal being will know me intimately.  And that’s lonely...."

Blessings of Singleness #2: The Pain of Freedom
"Okay – this may be a hard sell – but there is a unique pain in singleness in what the world affectionately calls ‘freedom’."


Blessings of Singleness #3: Losing Control
"...I still cling to the lie that I have control over certain things in my life.  I believe I have control over my schedule and my day and my life.  The pain of losing control in singleness constantly reels me back in from my imaginary world where I can make anything happen that I want."


Blessings of Singleness#4: The Pain of Rejection
"Jesus talks about the danger of receiving affirmation from people in such a way that it adds something to you.  People’s instinct is to assure you that it’s valid to want or even need affirmation from other people, but Jesus says otherwise.  He says that affirmation and love from another human being should not be wanted or even received in such a way that it fills deficiency in us.  He says that when affirmation from people adds to our sense of self and security, it robs us of the ability to be satisfied in Him."


Blessings of Singleness #5: Lack of Physical Intimacy
"Part of why it’s been so painful is it is probably the struggle that has confused me most.  It’s been (and is) a pretty hard sell to get my body on board with the idea that I’m not missing out on what I was created for.  It’s challenging to not feel entitled."


Blessings of Singleness #6: The Pain of Misplaced Shame "Every single in the world knows what I’m taking about.  It’s the shame you feel when someone exclaims out loud ‘why are you still single???’ and inside your head comes the shame: people are only single if they have some flaw.  what’s mine?"

Top Ten Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

This cracked me up, (I couldn't find the author.) 
Check it out :)


Top 10 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife 

10. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3) 

9. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Ruth 
4:5-10) 

8. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim 
her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 

7. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one 
and carry her off to be your wife. (Judges 21:19-25) 

6. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his 
daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27) 

5. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Esther 2:3-4) 

4. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his 
flock. (Exodus 2:16-21) 

3. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have 
seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, 
simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Judges 14:1-3) 

2. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. 
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years 
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen 
years of toil for a woman. (Genesis 29:15-30) 

1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you 
a rib. (Genesis 2:19-24)

Married or Single: For Better or Worse

Married or Single: For Better or Worse By John Piper, May 2007

Following this weekend’s sermon entitled “Single in Christ: A Better Name Than Sons and Daughters,” Pastor John received a letter asking, “If what you say about the blessing of singleness is true, then why would one even want to be married?” Here is his response.

Dear Friend, You ask: “What is at all compelling about marriage? Why would we even want to be married?"

  The “compelling” comes only from the right combination of internal realities and objective truths about God’s design for marriage. When the right combination is not there, marriage is not compelling and should not be. I would say the same thing about singleness.

The objective truths about marriage are primarily God’s design: 
1. To display his covenant keeping love between Christ and the church,
2. To sanctify the couple with the peculiar pains and pleasures of marriage,
3. To beget and rear a generation of white-hot worshippers, and
4. And to channel good sexual desire into holy paths and transpose it into worshipful foretastes of heaven’s pleasures.

 That is a high calling, but it is only compelling if it meets with internal longings for God that lean strongly into these designs.

The objective truths about singleness are also primarily God’s design: 
1. To display the spiritual nature of God’s family that grows from regeneration and faith, not procreation and sex,
2. To sanctify the single with the peculiar pains and pleasures of singleness,
3. To capture more of the single’s life for non-domestic ministry that is so desperately needed in the world,
4. And to magnify the all-satisfying worth of Christ that sustains life-long chastity.

 That is a high calling, but it is only compelling if it meets with internal longings for God that lean strongly into these designs. 

I encourage you to check out the full article:  Desiring God Resources