Do You Date or Use Chop Sticks?

This topic of dating and relating is relevant to mostly everyone. I was spurred to write the following blog post by a fellow rhodey blogger (Check out his blog if you would like: Click Here.) provoking some questions about how we teach the topic in church or youth group. Do we tell people not to date? The bible is silent on the specific issue of "dating" or "courtship" and it made me think. So here is my response.

The debate between dating vs courtship vs who knows what else is kind of like debating between using a fork vs using chopsticks. They both get us to the end goal, some maybe a little cleaner and neater, others depend on social/cultural norms, but it gets the food to the mouth. So that’s not really the debate. The debate is what is the point of that action? The point is to get the food to the mouth the most efficient way possible (efficient = god honoring?). So we know we don’t want to throw it across the room, and we know we don’t want to dump the food in the garbage or burn it in a pot so you have nothing left to eat, or stab someone in the face with our forks.

Anyways, the point is: what is the point of dating or courtship? The point is a godly marriage (or to realize that you aren suitable partners). Marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. It’s main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs. No. It’s primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God. It is outward focused, for God’s glory, not inward centered, for our comfort. (thank you carm.org for that agreeable definition).

It’s kind of silly to bash dating or courtship, because they are just the means to the goal, and both can obviously be used and abused.

I think the way to address it this whole topic to teach about godly marriage and relationships first and foremost. Why even use the words “dating” or “courtship?” We should never even have a talk about dating without including a discussion on marriage.

Did you ever play those ice breaker games where everyone gets all these ingredients, and their friend has to tell them step by step how to get to the end goal, but they don’t necessarily know what the end goal is, and by the time they are done following all these messy directions they just have a sloppy pile of bread and gook? Wouldn’t be easier if we started out by telling them what the end goal was supposed to be about, and clearly defining it? “You are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a sandwich is two slices of bread with the condiments in the middle.” I think their end product would be more on track than the other guy.

So we should first teach about what is a healthy and God honoring marriage. Straight up, thorough, Biblical theology about it. After that, we teach Christian grace and living, being involved in a healthy local church, spiritual disciplines, holiness, honoring God, being salt and life, missions, having good Christian friends, all that good stuff.

So now people know the clear end goal: biblical marriage, and they know how to live like someone who has been saved. I think that’s where we can now step in and give them even clearer guidelines that are pumped with grace: Stay pure. Consult elders and fellow church members and family for wisdom. Ask yourself “will this relationship glorify God.” Am I being intentional and selfless towards this person? Am I cultivating a relationship that is moving towards a marriage that will showcase the wonderful love that Christ has for the church?

After that, explain Christian freedom. Some people like to cut the crust off of their bread. Others like to toast their bread, or use crunchy peanut butter, that’s cool too. If someone can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without slicing off their thumb or burning the toast, then we have accomplished our goal.

If we have faithfully taught correct theology to people who are passionate about God, I don’t see how they would want to do anything other than honor God in their relationships and strive for his purposes, and they will see that being unequally yoked isn’t even an option. Steven Patton, from the aforementioned blog, said that pastor’s should not teach from a personal perspective that has been swayed by emotions or situations, but strive to teach biblical truth, and I one hundred percent agree.

I’m not a skilled professional on the topic. But that’s what I think. (sorry for all the ridiculous and terrible analogies… haha.)

What do you think? Should we just kiss dating good bye, should we applaud courtship, or should we embrace a method that is simply biblical?